For quite some time I have been doing little journal entries to our little baby boy. This is one that I have been thinking about a lot lately and thought I would include it here.
We are going to entitle this entry “Hats to Wear; Titles to Bear”.
You see different people wear different “hats” in life. In other words, we have different roles to fill. For the most part, these hats can be defined by titles. For example, you are a son, a grandson, a friend, and someday hopefully a brother. (I guess that is no longer a "hopefully".) And that is just the beginning. Throughout life you acquire more and more titles.
This year I will acquire two new titles. In graduating from pharmacy school I earned the title of “doctor”. (Most pharmacists outside of academia don’t use the “doctor” title due to confusion with their medical doctor but it is a doctorate degree.) This is a big thing for your Great Grandma Norma since she has been referring to me as “Dr. Anne” since I was about 10 years old. The other new title is (of course) “Mom”.
Both of these titles can compete for quite a bit of my time during the day. About 5 or 6 years ago, I remember having a dream where I was at work and wearing a white coat. (At that point I was in graduate school so maybe it was a scientist white coat as opposed to a pharmacist one…or maybe it was some subconscious foreshadowing.) I was very focused on my work when all of a sudden I felt a little tug at the hem of my coat. I looked down to see a child (my child) pulling on my coat in an attempt to get me to pick them up. I remember looking back to what I was working on and having the dilemma to choose which I would do – continue with my work or take time to pick up my child. It was one of those dreams that really stuck with me and I thought about it a lot throughout that day. I remember writing in my journal later that from that day forward there would be no question in my mind – “I choose the child!” That resolution has not lost any conviction to this day – if anything it has only become stronger now that having a child has become a reality.
Sweet LJ, I choose you! As long as it does not interfere with your care (i.e. it is when Dad can be home from his work), I will probably work a few hours a week but you, (and any siblings that may come), will be my priority. I hope that you are okay with this. It does mean that in some material ways you will go “without”. We will not be as able to afford all of the fanciest toys and games. However, I feel that giving you the gift of my time and devotion will be much greater than any special toy you may want. (Although you may not see it that way until you are older.) I had the thought the other day of having someone else (a babysitter or day-care worker) tell me about your activities throughout the day. It made me really sad to think of getting the information second-hand. I have loved the 38 weeks we have already spent together. Besides the fact that it is physiologically impossible, I can’t imagine having to hear about feeling all your kicks and rolls from someone else.
I know that the title “Mom” does not always equate to happiness and love. I know that some days will be overpowered with difficulty and frustration. I know we will have those difficult days to get through together but we will learn and grow from one another. (And I know I can look back on this entry and remember my feelings while writing it.) I have a feeling that being a parent involves a lot more learning than it does teaching. I am excited to learn from you. I am excited to be your "Mom".