Is It True?

I know they always say that instead of worrying about if the grass is greener somewhere else, you should just focus on watering your own grass, but sometimes I like to just go check out the other grass.  On the way home from preschool today, LJ and I were driving around a nearby neighborhood.   Today, it led to the following conversation:

LJ:  Will we get a house with a big yard today?
Mom:  Nope.  Not today, bud.  Probably not for at least another 5 years.  It will probably be about when you get baptized.  (He seems to relate everything to being eight and baptized.  And apparently, I'm in denial that he turned four since he will be nine years old in 5 years.)
LJ:  Mom!  I can't get baptized until I know if the church is true!
Mom:  That's right, buddy.  How do you think you can know if it is true?
LJ:  I've got no idea!  (This is a common phrase as of late.)

Needless to say, we talked a lot about how we can pray to know if the church is true.  We talked about how we feel when we are at church, when we pray, when we read the scriptures and when we listen to General Conference or the choir.  He wanted to add the desire to know into his personal prayers.  I told him that I say special prayers for him every day and asked if he would want me to add that to my prayers.  He said he did and also wanted Grandma Linda to pray for him to be able to know if the church was true.

Then, I told him that I didn't know the church was true until I was "really old", like 23.  He wanted to know why and I told him that I grew up in a different church and that I didn't even know what the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints" was until I was 23.  I was then reminded of a thought I'd had on Sunday.  Our primary chorister was teaching the senior primary kids the song "Scripture Power".  One of the boys was walking in from getting a drink of water and just started singing along right away.  He looked nice in his suit and gave a quick smile at me as he walked by, singing all along.  All of the primary kids impress me in so many ways and this young man just comes across as stalwart and firm in his testimony of the gospel, and particularly, his testimony of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon.  That momentary interaction with him, struck me with strength of his testimony and just how lucky he, and all the great kiddos we have in primary, are.  They are so lucky to have the primary program and gospel-loving parents to help teach them and guide them when they are young.  As a mom, I feel so lucky to have LJ and The Lion be able to learn such eternal principles at such a young age.  They are principles and doctrines that will provide them with strength and comfort through the many difficulties and trials they will face in their young lives.

The Restoration Movie

Tonight, we watched "The Restoration" for FHE.  There are so many things I love about that movie.  I may even venture to say that it is my favorite movie.  (For contrast, the second place movie is "What's Up Doc?") Granted, the story of the First Vision always brings the Spirit but many of the reasons it is my favorite don't have much to do with story itself.

1.  It takes place in Palmyra.  I loved my time in Rochester and tonight I even whispered to Doug, "Sure you don't want to move there?"  (Then I considered how hard I've heard the NY pharmacy law board exam is and I changed my mind.)  Still, it is a beautiful part of the country and I have many fond memories of the area.  I frequently found solace in the forests and hills and gorges of the area.

2.  They were filming the movie right when I first moved to the area.  Therefore, there are a few familiar faces in the film.  (More on that later.)

3.  The film was released to DVD while I was on my mission and we were able to use it as a great missionary tool.  So, not only does it bring back great memories of being in Rochester and my time when I was just starting to grow my testimony, but also of my mission and all the testimony changes that occurred there.  I have so many memories of how I felt while watching the film with investigators.

4.  I love the little side-story of the Dad carving the little horse for his son.  I love that they tie it in with the scriptures to help us realize exactly what I stated in #4 - that Heavenly Father is aware of us and wants the best for us.  He will carve out the treasures of our lives.

5.  The first time I was watching it on my mission was during a bit of a difficult time.  I was struggling with feelings of frustration and inadequacy in sharing the gospel with my parents.  And I felt somewhat alone on my mission since I did not receive much support from them.  They did try by sending packages once and a while but didn't understand the concepts of weekly emails or letters.  Near the end of the film, (during the scene when they are passing the sacrament), my friend, Brother Molinari, is in the background.  You may recall that Brother Molinari was very influential in my decision to serve a mission.  He too left under similar circumstances in regards to family support and seeing just a glimpse of him in the film gave me a reassurance that Heavenly Father was fully aware of my trials and concerns and that He would provide supports and anchors for me.

I am grateful for such films and their ability to touch our minds and our hearts with the Spirit.  I am grateful for Joseph Smith and all that he endured to bring about the Restoration of the Gospel.  And I am grateful for a Master Architect at work to bring about the salvation of man.

My Conversion, Part 5: Final Thoughts

One thing that seems to be missing throughout this story is a single, definitive moment when I knew the church was true.  I think that is because I knew all along – I just had to find it.  I have said before that as I learned about the church, it was like I found a name for what I believed.  For instance, the eternal progression of spirits from the pre-existence to earth and then beyond…that is how I always knew it was.  There was no way that I could believe that we were solely made up of chemicals moving around in our bodies and this life was it.  There was something eternal about our souls that I knew came from another place.  Another example would be the teaching that goes on in the spirit world.  I always knew there had to be a way that other people of the world were taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  God wouldn’t just say, “Oh, well those people were in the wrong spot on earth to hear the Gospel so they have no chance.”  That never made sense to me in other churches.  I was amazed at how much the LDS church supports other churches.  Also, I always wondered why there wasn’t a stronger presence of God within the churches I had attended.  If God had such an influence during Biblical times, why wouldn’t he still?  Why wouldn’t he communicate to man through revelation in the present time?  The LDS church provided an explanation for my beliefs and questions.  

I had no specific moment that I felt Heavenly Father’s presence enter my life because I had felt it there before and knew He was there watching me and guiding me throughout my life; my relationship with Heavenly Father has not changed much as I have changed churches.  I did, however, feel a lot of positive reinforcement from Him.  I felt Him rejoicing that I had found the true church and would be able to grow even closer to Him.  When I got out here to Rochester, I went to the Hill Cumorah and really felt Him saying that He was proud of me and so excited for me.

I believe the greatest blessing was to ‘re-connect’ with and learn more of the Savior.   I have come to know Him so much more through a greater understanding of the Atonement and of His love for each of His children on an individual level.  Now, I do not only believe in Jesus Christ but I have come to know Him.  

Through the strengthening of my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I’ve been able to find more of my true self.  One of my favorite quotes by Quaker author Parker Palmer is “Before you tell you life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you.  Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.”  Being a member of the church and having the gift of the Holy Ghost has helped me to find that more eternal aspect of my soul and to let that part of me shine through each day.

2008 Edit - It has been about 5 years since I originally wrote this story.  (I’ve kept the below testimony as it was originally.  It is still that simple and that thriving.)  In the past years, I’ve quit school, served a mission (which was financially supported by Drake and his family in an amazing turn of events), moved to Arizona, moved to Utah, started school yet again, and married an amazing young man.  I’ve been blessed in so many ways by such amazing people.  Lars and I are still dear friends and he served as my witness on my wedding day.

I am so grateful for this church and the blessings it has brought me.  I am so grateful for the members and all the support that they offer.  I know that this church is true.  I know that Joseph Smith was the first in a line of latter-day prophets who act as a mouthpiece for God.  I know that with the help of the Holy Ghost, each of us can look inside ourselves and find that eternal piece of us that can remind us of the wonderful plan of salvation and bring joy to each day.  I know that Jesus Christ lives and He is guiding this church.

I hope and pray that reading this story will help you to strengthen your own testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

My Conversion, Part 4: Trip to Salt Lake and Baptism Service

Right when I got there, we went over to Temple Square and saw the Testaments movie.  Afterwards, we called one of Lars’ friends, Drake, (remember this story?) to learn the plan for General Conference the upcoming Saturday.  We found out that we definitely had tickets to the afternoon session and Lars had tickets for the Priesthood session.

The next day, we went to Park City and walked around before getting ready for my baptism.  The day was kind of a blur.  Lars had everything all planned though – he had chosen speakers and music and everything.  When we got to the church, I was introduced to a number of strangers whose faces I will never forget.  Elder Steoger’s mom and sister were able to come and were some of the first people to arrive.  We exchanged some humorous stories about their missionary and swapped addresses.  Then the person who did my talk on baptism, Kim, arrived with her mom.  (She and I have become great friends since then.)  After introductions were completed and plenty of pictures were taken, it was time for the ceremony to begin.  As I sat there, I thought about how odd the chain of events was that had brought me to this place.  I knew in my soul that I was where I was meant to be and that all of this was somehow part of God’s plan.  Words cannot even begin to explain how I felt during the actual baptism but every aspect of it is etched in my memory.  I remember I gave Lars a hug immediately following and he said, “I’m proud of you.  Congratulations and welcome.”  Since Lars only held the Aaronic Priesthood at the time, he had asked his friend Drake to administer the confirmation.  After the ceremony, Lars and I went out to eat with Drake, his wife and two daughters.  We had a very nice time getting to know each other a bit better.

The next day was General Conference.  We had breakfast at one of Lars’ friend’s homes with a bunch of people and watched the morning session.  Then we got ready to head over to Salt Lake.  General Conference was a pretty amazing experience.  Elder Eyring’s talk about friendship really stood out to me because I immediately thought of Lars and the friendship we shared.  

During the Priesthood session, I met up with Kim and some of the people I met at my baptism.  Later, Lars came up and we all climbed Ensign Peak and got a great look at the city.  The next day, we watched the conference sessions on TV and later went back over to Salt Lake to have dinner at Drake's mom's house.  I have never felt more like I was where I needed to be than I did that night.  It was purely amazing.  The spirit was there in abundance as we talked about their testimonies of eternal families.

The next day, we wandered around Temple Square.  We watched the videos of the church commercials for at least 10 minutes, reminding each other of the ones we remembered from when we were kids.  We sat and talked for a long time at the airport before I went through security.  I think we both felt a connection in regards to what it would feel like to go home.  I knew that I had no one back there that would be excited to hear about my trip and so Lars was one of the few people I was able to share that excitement. 

That ability to relate to one another has continued on and on throughout the years.  We've discussed how our family and friends who are not members don't quite get it when we say, "I feel an impression that I should..." or "I read my patriarchal blessing and have decided I should..."  Lars is the only member of the church that knew me before I was a member of the church.  That has proven to be an important aspect of our friendship.  

My Conversion, Part 3: The Bit of Advice that Changed My Life

(For the record, I frequently use this bit of advice on many fronts in my decision making process.  Again, I am grateful for such an inspired friend.)

Since Lars had recently made the choice to be baptized while wondering how family and friends would respond, I decided to write him a letter voicing my concerns.  Following is an excerpt of how he responded.

If I were to tell you to go one specific direction or another in terms of your faith, I would be a little out of my element.  However, you’ve certainly entered God’s jurisdiction.  Anne, all I can tell you is that it appears as though your heart is in the right place, and when your heart is in the right place, God will lead you down the right path if you ask it of him through prayer.

I have a testimony that the decisions we often make, or the decisions we often feel are the right ones are usually the most difficult, or seem the least likely for us to prevail through.  But what you must remember is that God made a promise not to lead his children astray if they give their lives fully to him through trust in, and love for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  If you can testify that you are doing your best to show God you love Him, then He will make the decisions for you.  In other words, it’s not so much which decision you make that matters, it’s making a decision at all.  You will make a decision and I promise you that it will be what God wants you to do.  It will be part of his plan as long as you ask for his guidance.

Furthermore, if it’s answers you’re looking for, God will reveal them to you in the most spectacular ways…

I too now find myself at ends with what I might do, or where I might go next…All-in-all, I try not to look too far ahead these days.  I work on being the best person I can be in God’s eyes day by day, and just leave the rest up to God who holds my future in his hands.  I take care of myself by day, pray by morning and night, and God gives me the next day’s treasures.

So worry not my friend, let God do the worrying for you.  Take care of yourself first, and the rest will be given to you (life’s great rewards) when you least expect it.

His words helped me to realize that I needed to follow my heart and deal with everything else later.  At that point, I made the decision to let my heart lead the way and get baptized.  I just had to figure where and when.  This was going to be a bit complicated because I was moving within a matter of weeks and had to decide if I wanted to get baptized in Chicago or Minnesota.  Well, I was thinking it would be cool, no matter where I got baptized, if Lars could be the one to do it.  I asked the missionaries if that would be okay, and they were pretty excited about the idea.  This only added more confusion to the when and where because Lars was still in Utah and would potentially be driving back to Minnesota about the same time I was moving. 

First off, I had to ask Lars.  I gave him a call one night and asked him what he was up to.  He said he had been fasting and praying about what he should do next.  I told him that I had a short-term plan that I was hoping he could do.  I’m not sure if he knew what I was going to say at that point or not.  I said, “Well, I was thinking that it would be cool if this whole thing could be brought full circle and you could be the one to baptize me.”  There was silence for a few seconds, and I thought we had gotten disconnected for a moment.  Then he said (in perfect Minnesota fashion), “Really?!   Ohhhh…that would be grrreat!  Tell me when and where and I’ll be there.”  We then talked about the possible places to have it and when it would work best for each of us.  At this stage, we planned to have it in Minnesota, where Faye, a family friend of Lars’, could plan it all for some time at the beginning of April.  Within a few days, Lars found out he could get tickets to General Conference so he asked what I thought about maybe coming to Utah.  There was nothing special about having it in Minnesota because I didn’t think anyone I knew would go and I was open to anything.  He said he’d see what he could do.  We decided we would have the baptism in Utah on April 5 and go to General Conference on April 6. 

Everyone in Chicago was very excited but I felt bad that they wouldn’t be able to be there.  It dawned on us then that Elder Steoger’s family lived in Hooper, (which I still don’t say correctly), and could maybe come to the baptism which was going to be in Heber.  He gave me all of his family’s information so that I could contact them and he also wrote home to let them know I would be calling.

I finished up my discussions in Chicago, said my goodbyes to the members and missionaries of the Logan Square Ward, got all packed up and moved back to Minnesota.  I was at home for a few days before driving down to Minneapolis to catch a plane to Salt Lake on Thursday April 4.  At that point, I don’t think I had seen Lars in about 3 years.  

My Conversion, Part 2: Getting My Very Own Book of Mormon

Tuesday, February 5, 2002 was the one-year anniversary of the day that I blew out my knee.  I felt, this meant that I needed a present so I bought myself a book called “Latter Days: An Insider’s Guide to Mormonism” by Coke Newell.  I planned to begin my reading that Thursday on a flight that would take me to Rochester, NY for a graduate school interview.  I thought this book would provide some good company.  I found that I couldn’t wait that long; I started reading the day I bought it.

Wednesday night I had an amazing dream which requires a bit of background information.  At Christmastime, one of my childhood babysitters died of cancer.  I had been intending to send her a letter, telling her how much I appreciated her while I was growing up.  I never did get that letter out to her and it had been tormenting me for a while that I hadn’t let her know how I felt before she had died.  The night of my dream, I felt something telling me to just lay my head down and go to sleep.  I did as provoked.  I dreamt that I was able to see that babysitter, both of us knowing that she was gone, and let her know how much I admired her.  I was able to tell her goodbye.

I woke up feeling completely at peace and knowing that Heavenly Father had heard my prayers.  I felt very connected to Heavenly Father and was able to meditate about my feelings as I flew out to Rochester.  I felt that I didn’t need to worry about anything because I was in God’s hands and doing what I was supposed to do.  I had hoped that I would be able to find a Book of Mormon sometime soon.  Interestingly enough, the University of Rochester had me staying at one of the local Marriott hotels so I got a Book of Mormon sooner that I had ever expected.  (It wasn’t until later that I learned that they are only found in Marriotts.)  I dove in and started reading it from the beginning.  However, since I was there for an interview, I wasn’t able to read much.  When it came time to pack up and get ready to head back to Chicago, I debated for quite a while about whether to take the book with me.  After all, it had been placed there with the intent of it touching someone’s heart and them reading it.  In the end, I decided I should be able to get my hands on one some other way so I left it there.

I got back to Chicago and started doing some more intensive web-searching.  On the www.mormon.org website I found a link for “Get a Free Book of Mormon”.  I filled it out and didn’t even think about how it would show up.  I guess I just thought it would be mailed or something.  A few weeks later, I got home from my night class and was very excited to see that there was a note on my door.  I didn’t care who it was from – I was just glad for the acknowledgement of my existence…like seeing a note on your locker in high school.  The note was in perfect ‘boy-handwriting’ and stated that they had stopped by to drop off a Book of Mormon and left a phone number.  It was signed Elder Nordberg and Elder Steoger.  I called them up that night and talked with Elder Steoger.  I wouldn’t be able to meet with them until the next week but decided to check out church that upcoming Sunday.  They gave me directions on how to get there which consisted of a few bus and train rides, taking about an hour in total to get up to Logan Square. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am compulsively early, especially when I am dependent upon others and am not driving myself.  I ended up getting to the church about 45 minutes early.  I was quite confused when I got there because everyone was speaking Spanish.  I took three years of the language between high school and college and even studied for a few weeks in Mexico but I retained absolutely nothing.  (Maybe it was a bit of foreshadowing for my Spanish-speaking mission a few years later.)  A pair of sister missionaries must have seen my scared face and they rescued me from my puzzlement.  They explained that there was an English speaking ward meeting a bit later and that the Spanish one had just finished.  We couldn’t find Elder Steoger but I was introduced to Elder Morrill and Elder Weston who gave me my first Book of Mormon.  I chatted with them until it was time for Sacrament Meeting.  Elder Steoger still wasn’t there so Elders Morrill and Weston invited me to sit with them.  Elder Steoger came in just as the service was starting and was able to get a handshake in before finding his own seat.  Throughout the service, Elder Weston was very concerned about whether I had any questions and if anything made me feel uncomfortable, etc.  I was just trying to be a ‘sponge’ and absorb everything.  Oddly enough, everything felt right.

I was able to go to the other church meetings and was befriended by Sister Carmen, a member of the ward.  She was very loving and very interested in my life.  I was also introduced to the missionary couple that would be coming to my apartment with Elder Steoger and Elder Nordberg – the Jespersons.  I absolutely loved the Sunday school class.  I thought it was such a great thing – to discuss, analyze and study the scriptures and beliefs.  I left church that day, excited for my upcoming meeting with the missionaries.  I had three pages of questions for them that I had generated through my reading of the Latter Days book and through my discussions with Lars.

I remember the day I was to meet with them.  I was very nervous.  I didn’t know if I should be dressed up and I had no idea how we would fit all of us into my little studio that was about 8’ x 13’.  Well, we made it work.  The first discussion was pretty easy to understand so we had time to address some of my numerous questions.  We set the next meeting up for Sunday after church.  The Jesperson's weren’t able to come so another member, Ravi, came with to the little room at the church.  When they asked if I wanted to be baptized, I was a bit hesitant.  I believed everything I had been taught to be true but was concerned about whether I would be denying everything I had been brought up with.  Also, I was distraught about what my family and friends would say.

My Conversion, Part 1: Enduring Friendships

It is quite remarkable the ways in which divine intervention can change what would seem like a small, insignificant, meeting into something that alters your life (and even your eternity).  Who would have known back when we were little tikes that, one day, Lars would be acting as a witness at my wedding?  Here is the beginning of my conversion story.  

When I was about 11 years old, I went to Camp Hiawatha, a summer Bible camp a few miles north of my hometown of Grand Rapids, Minnesota.  Among my pen-pal friends that I made that summer, was a boy named Lars Peterson.  Since 11 year olds aren’t the best at communication skills, Lars and I lost touch – as I did with everyone else I met at camp.  However, it was interesting because every time we seemed to lose touch with each other, we would somehow find one another again. 

The summer before my junior year of high school, I had a softball game against the Lars' hometown team.  Two of Lars’ sisters were going to be playing.  When I got to the game, they weren’t there.  I was confused because the night before I had talked to Trisha and she said she was excited to see me the next day.  I was quite distraught by their apparent change of plans.  After the game, I decided to go ask their coach if he could tell me why they weren’t there.  He told me that Myrna, Lars’ mom, had been in a horrible car accident and was transferred to the Duluth hospital for better care.  They didn’t think she would survive and if she lived, she would more than likely be paralyzed.  She did survive but was paralyzed and was going to be staying in Duluth at hospitals and rehab clinics for an indefinite period of time.

At this stage, my friendship with Lars shifted a bit.  I became closer to Trisha while Lars and I drifted apart.  However, I do remember talking to him about how all of a sudden he was the ‘parent’ and was in charge of a number of things and had to do a lot of growing up at a very young age.  Lars and his three sisters had moved in with their father who was quite busy and out of town frequently.

At some point, Lars and I strengthened our friendship once again and it continued throughout high school.  However, like most friendships, it did not fare well when we both headed off to college.  We kept in touch but it became less and less.

In Spring of ’01 (my senior year in college), I was going through a lot of difficult times, so I emailed Lars, to kind of vent my frustrations.  He wrote back and said, “I believe that all things happen for a reason.”  Considering what had happened with his mom, that really meant a lot to me and I took his words to heart.

That fall, I headed off to Chicago to start graduate school at Northwestern University.  I was a bit homesick for Minnesota one day and ended up emailing Lars.  He wrote me back and said that, on a whim, he had moved to Utah with a friend and would be working on the bobsled track crew for the Olympics.  He also told me that his mom was now in the care facility that was attached to my undergraduate institution.

I went to see Myrna while I was in Minnesota for Christmas vacation.  She was doing quite well.  Due to a surgery she had that past summer, she had gained much more mobility in her lower extremities and was working to get the muscles back in shape after years of immobility.  We talked a lot about years-gone-by and Camp Hiawatha.  We then started talking about how Lars was not only going to the Lutheran church but also the LDS church each Sunday.  I was intrigued but didn’t dig too much deeper into the subject at that point.

When I got back to Chicago in mid-January, I gave Lars a call and we talked about the differences and similarities of the LDS church, (which I then learned was the “Mormon” church), and the Lutheran church.  I learned that they were quite similar and that the LDS church just added a bit more to the story.  The conversation, and hearing his passion for it, piqued my interest and I started looking on the internet for information on the LDS church.  I found websites that gave all different angles – some affirmative and some negative.  I called Lars about a week later and he informed me that he had been baptized into the church the previous Sunday.  This only intensified my interest.

It is interesting that all that was required for me to have a desire to learn about (and eventually join) the church was just a friend mentioning a change in religion.  That, along with Elder Holland's recent counsel that, "an invitation that is born of our love for others and for the Lord Jesus Christ...will never be seen as offensive or judgmental," give me confidence when I share the gospel with others.