Residency

Last week was the Residency Match Day.  For those of you not in healthcare, that is the day that medical and pharmacy students anxiously await a message telling them where they are spending the next year of their life.  I think that the process is purposefully stress-inducing since you really have no idea except that you are committed to go to whatever place you match with - whether it is your first choice or your seventh choice.  As I finished up pharmacy school in 2010, I applied for 3 residencies.  We knew we wanted to move to the Boise area and so I only applied here.  Our parents were excited to find out where we were going and we had already planned to call them and let them know what our plans would be.  The conversation went something like this - 

Mom/Dad:  So...what's the news?

Anne/Doug:  Turns out we didn't match anywhere.

Mom/Dad:  Oh honey, I'm sorry...I thought for sure...

Anne/Doug:  Don't be sorry.  It turns out we didn't match because we withdrew because...  ... ... (really big dramatic pause) ... we are having a baby!

(You can easily imagine the rest of the conversation in regards to the first grandbaby.)

Prior to pursuing a residency, we had really debated what our next steps were - residency or family.  Since we weren't exactly certain of which direction we should go, we decided to pursue both.  Pregnancy wasn't coming easily but things were looking good on the residency front.  I'd had a few great breaks in regards to networking and had quite a few people make additional personal recommendations to some of the residency directors.  I was able to coordinate all of my interviews over the same few days so I only needed to make one trek to Boise.  It was the first time that Doug and I were apart and I remember missing him terribly.  As I drove home, I stopped in Burley for BK breakfast.  (My dad knows that BK breakfast is one of my absolutely most favorite things!)  I thought I should use the restroom before I made the rest of the snow-filled trek to SLC.  But, as I stood up, old ladies (with walkers) cut me off in getting to the aisle that went to the restroom.  I figured, "I'm a pharmacist...I'm great at going hours without being able to use the bathroom."  And I was on my way.  As I was driving, I started doing some monthly calendar calculations and realized things were a bit late.  Then, I realized that, thanks to the walker-ladies, my hcg would be well concentrated by the time I got home.  I decided not to stop for a bathroom in Tremonton either (and prayed for decent traffic around Ogden and Bountiful - ha!).  

Doug was at work when I got home so I ran into the house and grabbed a pregnancy test.  When it came back positive, I think my first thought was "Seriously, Heavenly Father?  That is crazy timing.  You do know I just interviewed for residency, right?"  The next thought was how to tell Doug.  Thankfully, I had prepared in advance.  I had a little newborn onesie and I wrapped it up with a picture of the pregnancy test.  The next hours seem to drag by forever!  Where was a Gilmore Girls marathon when I needed one?  I can still remember what Doug was wearing when he got home.  (It was hospital issued blue scrubs so don't be too impressed with my memory.)  He was confused by the onesie but figured it out with the picture of the test.

They say in residency you work harder than you have ever worked, sleep less than you have ever slept and learn years worth of information in a short period of time.  Oh, and you get paid very little compared to what you should with your degree.

I would say that during my "residency year," I worked harder than I had ever worked, slept less than I had ever slept and learned years worth of eternal knowledge in a very short period of time.  Oh, and from some perspectives, I was paid very little.  However, from my perspective, I was given the best form of payment.  I will forever be this guy's mom...forever.  I am so grateful for him (fake smile and all) and for the ways that he has changed me.  I can't imagine what would have happened if he hadn't entered our lives right when he did.  (And I can't really believe that he has gotten so big!)  He is an amazing kid and will grow up to be an amazing man.

Celestial Physiology

Like most 4 year old boys, LJ is somewhat fascinated by the excretory system.  Tonight, before bedtime, (read: stall tactic!!!!), he asked me how the body knows what to make into poop and what to make into pee.  Recognizing the stall tactic, and knowing that if I told him it could wait til tomorrow that it would lead to a 10 minute whining session, I tried to give an abbreviated answer without going into too much detail.  Of course, as 4 year olds do, he kept asking "How?" and "Why?" which led to a bit more detail.  We ended up acting out receptors and transport pumps across membranes from the intestines and into the blood.  He still wanted to know how the body knew how to do that.  Then, I finally realized that I knew the ultimate answer.  "Because Heavenly Father designed it that way."  Then, we had a short discussion of all the cool physiological things Heavenly Father designed in our bodies.

I have mentioned before that my expensive, private college was worth every penny, (even though the cost of 1 year there was about the same as 4 years at BYU).  I had some of the most amazing teachers and, since I majored in biochemistry and biology with a minor in chemistry, I was able to have a number of small classes.  I got to know my professors very well.  My adviser taught Anatomy/Physiology and is one of the best in the county.  (Seriously, his FREE podcasts are consistently ranked in the Top 25 of educational podcasts on iTunes and he gets fan mail from around the world from doctors to businessmen to writers.  If you want to take a free (and amazing) class just search "Gerald Cizadlo" on iTunes.)  He taught in metaphors and his catch phrase was "Can you picture it?"  He knew that if you could understand it enough to watch it like a movie in your mind, you'd have a decent understanding of it.  I also took Pathophysiology from him but my favorite class was definitely Embryology.  Even without a large religious influence in my life at the time, I was fascinated at how a Creator could create a human being.  I looked at the countless things that could go wrong during the development of a baby and wondered how in the world we all got here safe and sound.  That being said, I wish that I could have had the BYU version of Embryology added to my class with Doc C.  Adding that eternal perspective of an omniscient, charitable and loving creator who wasn't only a creator but our Heavenly Father, would have made the class that much more interesting.

LJ, of course, asked how Heavenly Father knew how to make our bodies so awesome.  My response was that he is the smartest person ever.  What is even more awesome than that is that He wants to share all of his smarts with us.  He would teach us everything that he knows if we only would let him.  Now, if only I could be so willing to listen and be taught...

Calming Storms

Here is my conversation with LJ on the way to church this morning.

LJ:  Mom, I noticed something about Jesus.
Mom:  Oh yeah, what did you notice?
LJ:  I noticed that you can't see him but you can feel him in your heart.
Mom:  That's right.  How does he make you feel.
LJ:  He makes you feel loving.
(We'd had a "torment your brother morning" so I decided to toss in the following.)
Mom:  Sometimes it is hard to feel him if we are mad or being mean.
LJ:  But you still feel him.  When you are angry it is like there is a little storm inside of you and Jesus can calm the storm.  I learned that from my father!

I guess it was one of those days where I was the one being taught.  Love this little boy!  I hope he always has that understanding that Jesus can help you get through any emotion and that, if you let him, you can always feel him in your heart.

Then, to make up for all the tormenting earlier, he insisted on serving The Lion multiple glasses full of water during our evening treat.  We told him that we were grateful for all the serving but he really needed to stay in his seat.  He responded, "I'm busy serving my best friend!"

As far as that best friend, this morning Doug was already at church meetings and LJ was still asleep so I brought The Lion into our room and just snuggled with him.  He has always been a snuggler and I'm sad that one day he will surely grow out of it.  Today, I whispered to him, "I love you" and in his little voice he said, "Love you too, Mom."

Oh, it was a good day.  I'll take another one for tomorrow.

Finding Home

I recently got a new phone number. I've had the same number for about 10 years when I came home from my mission.  I only lived in Arizona for a few months but have held on to the number ever since because it always seem like such a hassle to change it.  However, having NOT lived in Arizona since February 2006, it is also a hassle to have to always emphasize my area code.

I made a facebook comment about my new number and mentioned how I was finally committing to living in Idaho for a significant period of time.  That was in jest but it did remind me of a much more serious conversation I had about the time I left on my mission.  As I made the decision to serve a mission, I wondered where I would go afterward.  I would have no reason to return to Rochester where I was living at the time and no reason to move to Minnesota.  (The Arizona move was somewhat whimsical and was in order to help out a friend going through a difficult time.)  Among the many responses to my decision to serve, my most dear friend, Jolene, told me, "My wish is that you will find a home when you are done."  I wasn't a foster kid jumping from place to place prior to my mission but I really did struggle having the identity of a home.  I have mentioned before that my childhood was a bit unconventional.  After my parents' divorce, we moved A LOT and when we weren't moving, due to "social obligations" of my custodial parent, I frequently did not know where I would be sleeping that night.  I did not have a place that felt like a safe haven for me.

(Quick tangent, Jolene also just mentioned to me a book I am excited to read called "Perfect Daughters" that talks about being a perfectionist in order to make up for a bad home life so that you can "put on a happy face" at school.  I thought I'd mention it here in case anyone else may benefit.)

After I graduated from college, I lived in 5 states in 5 years.  Again, no foundation or constant in my life.

Jolene, like all best friends seem to do, knew me better than I knew myself and knew what would make me happiest.  Immediately after my mission, I was in the middle of that 5 states in 5 years thing.  Then, through a stroke of luck or fate or what-have-you, I met this guy.

I have known exactly where "home" is ever since.  I don't think I could ever be happier than I am when I am with him.

The day after my wedding, I had a bit of a - hmmm...how should I put this - "an exchange of opposite views" (thank you, Google) with my mom.  (I guess I should just call this the "dirty laundry" post...sheesh.)  I choked back the tears and told Doug I needed to use the restroom but would be right back.  I left the restaurant we were at and went to the attached hotel lobby.  My mom came to find me and (eventually) we made amends and started back towards the restaurant.  I will always remember rounding a corner and seeing my new husband waiting next to the door of the ladies restroom.  I still get choked up thinking about how I felt when I saw him there.  I knew that for the rest of forever I had a home and that he would take care of me and keep me safe.

I am so grateful for him and all that he does to hold true to all of those promises.

Miracles & Transportation

We've been doing a little advent scripture chain each day.  A couple of days ago, we were reading about Joseph and Mary needing to go to Bethlehem.  In discussing it, we talked about how she rode on a donkey.  Clearly confused about this method of transportation, LJ said, "Why didn't they drive a car?"  Doug explained that they didn't have a car and that no one had cars.  LJ then asked why they didn't ride a bike.  Doug explained that, like cars, there were no bikes.  He pondered that for a moment but then countered, "But Jesus could show them how to make a car.  He showed Nephi how to make a ship!"  I am frequently impressed with the logical faith of my little guy.  He has demonstrated that he truly expects to see miracles.  (Maybe, in his mind, they aren't "miracles," they seem so likely to happen.)

I need to be better about expecting to see miracles in my life.  Although, taking a moment to consider that statement, I guess the truth of it is that I need to be better about recognizing miracles in my life.  They really do happen every single day whether they be little tender mercies to let me know that the Lord is aware of me and my stresses and trials.  (I was going to go off on another tangent but realized I already covered it here.)  But really, safe traveling, quiet family meals after a long day, coinciding naps, just the right song coming on the radio at just the right time, these things are miracles.  I was having a particularly difficult day the other day and I turned on the Mormon Channel.  The program right then was one that talked about different hymns and played different arrangements of a particular hymn.  The hymn on that episode was "Lead Kindly Light" which, if you didn't know, happens to be my absolute favorite hymn.  Its lyrics were also something that I desperately needed to be reminded of at that moment.  Miracle!

Go forth expecting (and recognizing) the miracles in your life!

One last miracle from me.  These guys here love me!  That is miraculous!  I mean, I know I am super-duper amazing and all that but, come on!  Have you met these men?  They are pretty extraordinary and for some reason they all think I'm marvelous!

God First Loved Us

I was thinking the other day about how we love God because he first loved us.  I thought about how, as parents, we first love our own children.  My friend, Lyndsay, has a multitude of great posts about motherhood but this one came to mind in regards to this topic.  I appreciate that she talks about how in the instant you decide to enter into parenthood, your life changes.  I know that I loved my boys from the moment Doug and I decided we wanted to be parents.  I had no idea how much I could love someone I had never met.

When the boys were born, of course, I was filled with love for them.  But that love had been in a desire to love them for much longer.  During the months of negative pregnancy tests, I loved them and desired to raise them and protect them.  Without getting into too deep of doctrine, it is safe to say that I definitely loved my children before they loved me.

And I think they love me because I first loved them.  When you love someone, you desire to serve them.  It's pretty easy to find ways to serve a newborn or, really, any age of child.  And, as our children grow, and they better understand their love for us, they desire to serve us.  I need to be better about finding ways to allow my children to serve me.  When I don't, they demonstrate love in running jump-kick tackles.  (Honestly, LJ did that the other day and I told him we had to stop before someone got hurt.  He said, "Let's see who gets hurt first!"  Good grief!)

Seriously, what are ways you allow your children to serve you?  Help me out here before someone gets hurt.

Trials and Obstacle Courses

Tonight, The Lion was hiking across the house while carrying a pile of clothes.  He would bring them to Doug, then back to me and over and over again.  Every once in a while I would hand him one more thing to see how he managed.  It is quite entertaining to see his wheels working.  Another favorite way to do this, is to hand him milk and a graham cracker when he has a pacifier and see which things he decides to set down or how he tries to balance everything.  With LJ, we would set up obstacle courses.  (Here is the video version.)

Tonight, I started wondering if some of the things we face in life are similar.  You have to admit that life is like a box of an obstacle course.  (I am not saying that Heavenly Father gives us trials and obstacles for his own entertainment.)  I do not do these "experiments" on the boys with the intent to make them frustrated or to feel like they are failures; frequently, I just want to see how the wheels are turning and what they will do.  And, of course, if it becomes necessary, I will help them find a solution.

There are times that I have been asked to carry one more thing and I've had to re-prioritize my prior obligations.  And there are definitely times that I have had something that I wanted metaphorically trapped and I've needed to figure out how to get it out.  However, I think I could definitely be better at remembering to reach out to a loving parent who is always at the ready.  Frequently, I go through the frustrated failure stage before it dawns on me, "Hey...pray about it and see."  Just this week, it dawned on me to pray about something that I have been striving to intellectually and logically trying to figure out for months.  (I still haven't seen the end of this dilemma and have been wasting a lot of time and energy analyzing every single option I can find.)  It was even an "instant answer" prayer with the answer of, "It will all work out.  Hang in there.  I know what is best.  Don't worry about it further."

Maybe I need to continue with our obstacle courses and such so that the boys will have a better understanding of how to work through and how they can rely on me to help them if needed.

The Restoration Movie

Tonight, we watched "The Restoration" for FHE.  There are so many things I love about that movie.  I may even venture to say that it is my favorite movie.  (For contrast, the second place movie is "What's Up Doc?") Granted, the story of the First Vision always brings the Spirit but many of the reasons it is my favorite don't have much to do with story itself.

1.  It takes place in Palmyra.  I loved my time in Rochester and tonight I even whispered to Doug, "Sure you don't want to move there?"  (Then I considered how hard I've heard the NY pharmacy law board exam is and I changed my mind.)  Still, it is a beautiful part of the country and I have many fond memories of the area.  I frequently found solace in the forests and hills and gorges of the area.

2.  They were filming the movie right when I first moved to the area.  Therefore, there are a few familiar faces in the film.  (More on that later.)

3.  The film was released to DVD while I was on my mission and we were able to use it as a great missionary tool.  So, not only does it bring back great memories of being in Rochester and my time when I was just starting to grow my testimony, but also of my mission and all the testimony changes that occurred there.  I have so many memories of how I felt while watching the film with investigators.

4.  I love the little side-story of the Dad carving the little horse for his son.  I love that they tie it in with the scriptures to help us realize exactly what I stated in #4 - that Heavenly Father is aware of us and wants the best for us.  He will carve out the treasures of our lives.

5.  The first time I was watching it on my mission was during a bit of a difficult time.  I was struggling with feelings of frustration and inadequacy in sharing the gospel with my parents.  And I felt somewhat alone on my mission since I did not receive much support from them.  They did try by sending packages once and a while but didn't understand the concepts of weekly emails or letters.  Near the end of the film, (during the scene when they are passing the sacrament), my friend, Brother Molinari, is in the background.  You may recall that Brother Molinari was very influential in my decision to serve a mission.  He too left under similar circumstances in regards to family support and seeing just a glimpse of him in the film gave me a reassurance that Heavenly Father was fully aware of my trials and concerns and that He would provide supports and anchors for me.

I am grateful for such films and their ability to touch our minds and our hearts with the Spirit.  I am grateful for Joseph Smith and all that he endured to bring about the Restoration of the Gospel.  And I am grateful for a Master Architect at work to bring about the salvation of man.

Financial Hindsight

Yesterday Doug asked me, "How much money would you pay to meet me, knowing what you know now?"  I could tell from the look on his face that it was a loaded question.  I wanted to make sure I had the right answer.  I asked him if that included all that we had, the boys, my in-laws, my family.  He said, "Yes.  How much money would you pay 6 years ago to have what we have now?"  I got a little choked up thinking of the idea of not having what I have now and said, "Everything I had.  I would give everything I had."

Then, he asked me how much money I would pay to meet Jolene.  (I've stated previously, "When I got to college, I met the sister I'd never had.  Jolene has been my best friend ever since.  She is the friend that comes to visit when you have a baby.  She's the friend who, on days when I am particularly stressed out, Doug has even mentioned, "I think you need to talk to Jolene".  She helps me re-center and put things in perspective.  College is a very pivotal time in life and I was grateful for a friend who seemed to see everything the same way that I did.")  Jolene is a very important foundation in my life.  My response, "Everything I had - minus 100 dollars."

Meanwhile, I'm just itching to know where this is leading.  Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long.

He explained that he had been worried, (read: frustrated), by how much I have been stressing out about all my student loans.  He said that I just needed to re-frame it a bit and see it from the perspective of not only getting an education but also having important life experiences.  If I had not gone to the college I did, I never would have met Jolene and I seriously doubt there is a better person anywhere to be my best friend.  I just had to pay private college tuition for that opportunity.

I met Douglas because of pharmacy school.  Prior to taking the big entrance exam, I asked my singles ward bishop for a blessing.  In the blessing, he stated that my decision to go to pharmacy school would open many doors, including the door that would lead me to my eternal companion.  (Afterwards, he apologized, saying that especially with his current calling, he did not like mentioning such things in blessings but felt very strongly that it needed to be said.)  Sure enough, when I got into school, I moved to a different part of Salt Lake to decrease my commute time.  I met this amazing guy, (which I finally figured out 6 months after meeting him), and we got married.  Again, for the "discount price" of private graduate school tuition, I was given the opportunity to meet a life-changing, (or really an eternity-changing), friend.

Also, in pharmacy school, I found the graduate school version of Jolene in my friend, Sarah.  She has continued to be a support and anchor for me and I am so grateful for all the crazy study sessions we had.  I could not have made it through that 4 years without her.

To put it in terms of a popular credit card commercial:
Cost of private undergraduate education:  More than our car
Cost of private graduate education:  Equivalent to a house fancier than we can even imagine (with private tennis courts)
Cost of meeting friends that will change everything:  Priceless

My friend, Dianna, gave me a picture of us with a quote from C.S. Lewis that states, "In friendship...we think that we have chosen our peers.  In reality, a few years different in the date of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university over another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting --- Any of these chances might have kept us apart.  But for a Christian, there are strictly speaking, no chances.  A secret Master of Ceremonies has been at work.  Christ, who said to His Disciples, 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you', can truly say to every group of Christian friends, (and I'd venture to say other friends as well), 'Ye have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another'.  The friendship is not a reward for discriminating and good taste in finding one another out.  It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of others."

I think of friends, old and new, and how many "coincidences" led to us meeting, and am amazed and how blessed I am.  I am so grateful for being placed in each others' paths.  (And I am grateful that they are worth more than gold because, sheesh, the ability to end up in their path certainly is costing a lot of gold.)

Never Alone

The Lion has been quite the little cuddler lately.  (And I love it!)  Before naps and bedtime, he'll just nuzzle under my chin and wrap one arm around me, (making sure the other hand is available to hold his pacifier), and rock in the rocking chair with me.  It is easy for me to just sit there for a while and hold him, remembering how fast the time of a cuddly boy disappeared with LJ.  It provides a wonderful opportunity to just think. In such a peaceful setting and while feeling so much love for the little guy in my arms, it is hard to think about laundry.  My thoughts usually evolve into some sort of prayer.  The other day, I recalled a letter that I wrote to LJ when he was little(r).  The feelings expressed still hold true and so I thought I would share it here as well.  If you want context, it comes right after this part of the letter.

Dear LJ (and Lion),

There is a song called “Never Alone” by Lady Antebellum and Jim Brickman that reminds me of you.  The lyrics are as follows:

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you, and heaven accept you when it’s time to go home.  May you always have plenty, your glass never empty.  Know in your belly, you’re never alone.  May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having, with every year passing, they mean more than gold.  May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble, and know when you stumble, you’re never alone.  Never alone…I’ll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown.  Wherever you fly, this isn’t goodbye.  My love will follow you, stay with you…you’re never alone.  Well, I have to be honest, as much as I want it, I’m not going to promise that cold winds won’t blow.  So when hard times have found you, and your fears surround you, wrap my love around you.  You’re never alone.

Here is the video if you prefer

The majority of your life, you will probably have the thought of "Oh, Mom!" but maybe someday you will get it or maybe someday you will need it.  

It is the last part that gets me choked up every time.  I just would prefer you did not have to have any adversity.  You are getting closer and closer to crawling and/or walking and I know that will lead to lots of bumps and bruises and probably some cuts and scrapes.  Ugh!  I have to keep reminding myself that all kids get those things and they get over it and are fine.  It has caused me to think a lot about Heavenly Father’s perspective.  I am sure that He is just as protective of us but also knows the importance of agency (and the inevitable associated pain and difficulty at some point in life).  Please know that “when the cold winds blow” that you can always count on me loving you and cheering you on.  I will do all that I can to help buffer those storms but also allow you to feel them and learn from them.  

Using that same metaphor I saw a quote the other day that stated “Instead of telling God how big the storm is, tell the storm how big God is.”  Remember that He can provide strength and comfort during hard times.  Remember that Christ, through His suffering in Gethsamane, not only makes up for our sins but understands our trials and “bad days”.  The atonement is there to give you courage and reassurance when you are faced with doing something that may be a painful or difficult but yet something you know that you need to do.

Alright, sweetheart, you will probably be waking up from your nap soon so I should sign off.  Know that I just love you so much.  I love you so much that when I get a bit of a break from you, (i.e. you’re asleep), I frequently look at pictures and videos of you…I just can’t get enough of you.  I love the feel of your head under my chin or on my cheek.  I love holding you tight.  I love how you are so willing to give of your smiles and how those smiles reach your eyes.  I love how you look around and it seems you see the angels that are sent to guard you.  I love that you have taught me so much about the Plan of Salvation within the short 5 months you have been here.  Thank you for being such a wonderful kid!

Put Me In Coach

This morning I was emptying the dishwasher and kept thinking about how I should let LJ do it after breakfast.  (He is actually quite competent at it.).  However, it was going to be a busy morning so I decided to just do it rather than letting him in on the action.

Another thing on my morning to-do list was to call the temple and add a name to the prayer roll.  I had planned to do that before LJ came downstairs because who wants to call the temple and have a crazy rambunctious kid in the background?  As it was, I got so involved putting dishes away that I didn't have time to call the temple.

I ended up calling while LJ was finishing up breakfast.  As is usual, after hanging up, I underwent an interrogation of who I called and why.  I explained that I'd called the temple so people there could pray for my friend because there are powerful prayers in the temple.  He said, "I like powerful prayers!".  He continued to ask about my friend who was sick.  I did my best to explain in kid-language that she had a growth on her brain that they needed to look at.  (I think the idea of being at the doctor all day was enough to gain his sympathies.). 

I thought maybe a picture of my friend would make it more tangible for him and so I found her fb post from this morning and showed it to him.  He looked at the picture, said we should say a prayer too and went to kneel down in the living room.  Later, when The Lion got up, the first thing LJ wanted to do was show him the picture too.

I definitely struggle with putting the boys in the game - whether it being with household chores, cooking or spiritual matters.  I was definitely taught this morning the importance of letting them observe and be involved.  I am so grateful for those moments this morning where I was both the teacher and the student.  I was touched by LJ's faith in the power of prayer and his understanding of the gravity of the situation.

A Short Christmas Message

Photos by Busy Bee Photography

Every Christmas season, I find myself thinking of those who were notified of the Savior's birth.  They were the humble, (the shepherds), and those who had studied the scriptures, (the wise men).  We need to strive to have those characteristics and habits at this time when the Savior is preparing to come again.  We need to be humble in order to feel the gentle promptings of the Spirit and we should study the scriptures diligently and frequently so that we understand the ways in which the Spirit communicates with us.  Helaman 14 talks of the lights in heaven that are the signs of the Savior's coming.  For his second coming, we are those lights.  We have been called to give light to others and help them to find the path of the Lord.  The same commission that was given to John the Baptist in Luke 1:79 is given to us to prepare the world for the Second Coming of Christ.  As we humble ourselves, search the scriptures diligently and find ways to serve others and share the light of Christ with them, we are able to celebrate the Christmas message.  I am grateful for this season and the peace and joy that it brings.

The Influence of Good Friends

I am reminded of one of the greatest blessings of my mission at least once a week.  One of my companions, Shelley, lives a couple of miles from our house.  Twice a week, she watches the boys while I work.  They've been friends the majority of their lives.  They both move so fast that it is almost impossible to get a picture of them together but there is this old one from about a year and a half ago.

The main difference since then is they are both a lot taller and have longer hair.

Hannah is 2 years older than LJ and is a great example to him.  Frequently, Doug and I will be baffled by LJ learning some bit of manners or something.  We'll look at each other and agree as we say, "I bet he got it from Hannah."  It got me thinking a bit about how important good examples are when it comes to friendships.

I've mentioned before that my childhood was less than ideal.  However, I was blessed with some key friends that helped me to navigate through my otherwise difficult circumstances.  I would be in a much different place if it was not for them and their love, example, gentle support and guidance throughout high school and college.  Not only did they value me but they helped me to recognize my own (divine) value.

(Don't mind the snowflake stuck to my face...it was actually there on purpose.)

Shannah and I met my first day of kindergarten at a new school and have remained close.  Like most of my friends from high school, we do not talk much anymore but when we do we just pick up where we left off.  Even in the face of peer pressure and adversity, she always held true to her Christian values.  I am sure she has no idea what an example she was to me.  She helped me to know that we are only accountable to God and to ourselves.

One friend in particular, taught me a lot about the family life I would want to have (and do now have).  More than anyone, her family taught me what it meant to have a Christ-centered home with a strong family focus.  I have so many fond memories of life at Melissa's house.  Those memories seem to flood back at Christmastime because her house was magical then.  There were carols being played on the piano, twinkling lights, the Dicken's Christmas Village, smells of delicious goodies and just a feeling of love and warmth.  The best word I can think of to describe the feeling is "refuge".  It was a refuge from everything else that was going on in my life.  I spent a lot of time there throughout high school but Christmas was always my favorite.  I hope that even in just a small way I am able to create for my family a bit of what I felt whenever I was in their home.  I will be forever grateful to them for all they taught me.

When I got to college, I met the sister I'd never had.  Jolene has been my best friend ever since.  She is the friend that comes to visit when you have a baby.  She's the friend who, on days when I am particularly stressed out, Doug has even mentioned, "I think you need to talk to Jolene".  She helps me re-center and put things in perspective.  College is a very pivotal time in life and I was grateful for a friend who seemed to see everything the same way that I did.

I am grateful for all of the amazing people that have been put into my path to help me along this crazy mortal journey.  I am grateful to have Shelly and Hannah and their family close enough that they can influence my children.  They are a force for good in the lives of my children, and therefore, in my life.

Guest Post: Happiness

The first ward that Doug and I were in when we got married was perfect for us.  The experiences and people have left a powerful impression upon me and changed my life for the better.  I was so impressed with so many of the ladies in the ward that I decided I wanted to do a little something for them.  With much effort and discernment, I made a list of only 5 that were my VIPs (Very Inspiring People) for that year.  Among them, was a sister named Janet Rowley.  (I want to grow up to be a Janet Rowley.  She is an amazing scriptorian and her testimony is as solid of a testimony as I have ever felt.)  The day I delivered my humble VIP package, Janet wasn't home and so I left it with her daughter, Liz, who was in high school at the time.  I did not have a lot of interaction with Liz but saw her around town a few times and was always impressed with her.  

Last spring, Janet shared on facebook a post from Liz's blog about how Liz's new son, Eli, was struggling with some health problems.  I began following the story, posting updates on my blog and facebook and trying to get the word out about benefits for Eli.  As I read how this young mother endured the rollercoaster of doors seeming to open to a road of health, only to be closed in the most heartbreaking ways, I was awestruck by her faith and perspective.  Eli passed away in May.  (This coming January 4th would have been his first birthday.)  I was able to make it down to UT for the funeral where Liz and her husband, Logan spoke.  Liz's talk can be found here.  Her entire blog is filled with strength and wisdom beyond my comprehension.  It also has a lot of adorable pictures of little Eli so please go give it a read.

Liz is working on another post for us as well but, in the meantime, I wanted to just copy this post from a few weeks ago.

I was hanging out with a few friends last week and we were having one of our many wonderful conversations about life when someone said to me:  "Liz, you always seem so happy.  Is it a front put on around people or is it real?"  Without hesitation, I responded:  "It's real.  It's absolutely real."  Although I'm sure she already knew what I said next, I added:  "It's amazing what the gospel can do for you as long as you allow it to bless your life."

From the time I was little and attending primary I remember being taught by my family and church leaders that the gospel would bring us peace and comfort during all phases of life and that the gift of the spirit would be one of the greatest blessings we would ever receive.  What I don't remember learning (I'm sure it would be difficult to explain this to a kiddo) is that we would have to allow the peace of the gospel into our lives - it would never force its way in.

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this but I don't think I fully understood the concept of allowing the gospel to bless my life until recently.  Logan and I had received the heartbreaking news of Eli's diagnosis, we were living in a hospital and we had told our family and friends that in order to keep him as healthy as possible we didn't want any visitors coming to see him.  While we knew this was the best decision for his health, it was very difficult isolating ourselves for so long.  The staff was incredible and I care about them more than they'll ever know, but I desperately longed for the life I imagined we'd have when I got pregnant.

While I knew those thoughts were only natural, I hated that I was feeling and thinking that way.  I wanted to wake up each day excited about my life and anxious (in a good way) for what was to come.  I told myself that in order to genuinely feel those things, I needed to first pray and ask for those blessings and second, prove to God that I had the necessary faith in his promises to bring me that peace and happiness I wanted so much.

Many things in life are much easier said than done and for me, this was one of them.  I knew I needed to give up all fear and doubt so I could prove that I trusted in God's plan for Eli and for me and Logan but that was so difficult when so much was at stake.  The best example I can compare this to is when you are asked to close your eyes and fall backwards and someone promises they will catch you.  You stand there with your eyes closed, often for awhile, before reluctantly allowing yourself to fall.  Fear and panic rush through you and you're sure you're going to hit the ground hard when at last someone catches you.  There's no better feeling, is there?  That is exactly what I experienced, but 10x better when I finally stopped trying to do things on my own and allowed God to truly take over.

Rather than celebrating milestones parents typically look forward to, we found joy in things like successfully taking 5+ oral meds in one sitting, bravely completing a dose of chemo, not fighting nurses too much when a new IV was placed or mouth care was done and most importantly:  doing the above mentioned things plus much more with a smile on his face!

I would be lying if I said things were never difficult after that because boy, they sure were but I am amazed to this day at how much love, peace and comfort I felt and continue to feel every sing day.  Logan and I experienced a parent's worst nightmare yet the happiness we feel is almost tangible and we know that has come, just like we were promised in primary, because we allowed the gospel to work miracles in our lives.

Life couldn't be more different right now from how Logan and I imagined it would be yet it's still wonderful.  My heart aches to hold Eli and watch him grow up and not an hour goes by that i don't think about him and long to see his all-telling eyes stare up at me with all the confidence in the world but I know my time to experience those things will come sooner than I can imagine and I would hate to miss out on this incredible chance at life I have been blessed with.  while I am tempted at times to ask God: "Why?" I instead thank him for the perfect guardian angel Logan and I now have and offer all the gratitude I can muster for catching me before I fell.

~Perfect Baby Angel Eli~

The Name Game

Just for clarification's sake, I thought I would explain the boys' aliases.

"LJ" is pretty easy.  It is for "Little John".

"The Lion" requires a bit more of a back story.  The name first came from this conversation with John before I had my ultrasound and he was guessing hoping I was having a baby lion.  We keep little journals for each of the boys that tell them little things about the day or lessons we learned from them.  In the first entry Doug wrote for Spencer, he said, "I think you will be the noble lion we joked you were while you were in the womb.  Noble, courageous and strong."  The name has stuck.  Here he is with one of his early birthday presents.  (I'm kind of in denial that he is going to be a year old in a few days.)

Focusing Outward

I'm not going to lie.  I was really hoping that this was going to be an Abrahamic Trial.  You know, so that as soon I agreed to it and continued to move forward, I would be given the opportunity to move on.  Alas, it was not to be.

However, knowing that I have a purpose in my current situation has really forced me to keep looking outward.  In almost every interaction I have, I am striving to find ways to bless the lives of others or demonstrate a Christ-like characteristic.  In addition, I feel I have had many doors of opportunity open.  Not opportunities for getting out the situation like I had hoped but in chances to bring up gospel in conversation.  Just simple conversations can lead to so much.  I feel I have been able to clear up a lot of misconceptions as well and forge deeper friendships.

I'm sorry to say that, unfortunately, my motives are not yet completely pure.  I'm still hoping to do whatever it is that I am supposed to do so that I can move on and get to a better (in  my opinion) situation.  And, yes, I did just "say" that aloud.  And, yes, I know that sometimes the trial is to change your motive so I'm working on that too.  In the meantime, I'm grateful for my less egocentric perspective on things.  (Even though being less egocentric actually has an egocentric goal.  Whoa...I'm confusing myself.)  Hmm...I feel a New Year's Resolution coming on.

Teaching Thumper

(image from www.amazon.com)

 



Last summer, Grandma Linda gave LJ the above pillowcase. He loves it. (Thank you to Uncle Greg for the hand-me-down. You know, now that you have been home for 5 years, I think you don't need it anymore.)

 

LJ listens to primary songs at bedtime and through the night. The other morning, Doug was leaving his office, (he gets up super-duper early to study before the boys are up), and the song "Army of Helaman" had just started.  LJ grabbed Thumper and said, "Here Thumper, we can learn to be missionaries!" Then he proceeded to "read" the pillowcase to Thumper.

 

Maybe all that talk of serving a mission is sinking in...

 

Plus, the pillowcase sometimes helps to encourage him to do the things listed. And what parent wouldn't want their kid doing those things?

The D.I. Pile

I just came across the following quote in Daughters in My Kingdom.  It is from Sister Belle Spafford, (9th General Relief Society President).  She said, "The average woman today, I believe, would do well to appraise her interests, evaluate the activities in which she is engaged, and then take steps to simplify her life, putting things of first importance first, placing emphasis where the rewards will be greatest and most enduring, and ridding herself of the less rewarding activities."  It is dated 1974.

What was distracting in 1974?  According to the omniscience of Wikipedia, the major television shows were things like M*A*S*H, Mary Tyler Moore, The Price is Right, All in the Family, The Odd Couple, The Young and the Restless and All My Children.  (Really America, how did the game show and soap opera outlast The Odd Couple?)  I am sure that there were other things that took time away from doing what was of most importance and, to be honest, television is not really an issue for me either.  The internet is another story though.  So many times I get on my computer to just look up a recipe or do something and I get so distracted with other things that, before I know it, an hour (or naptime) has passed.

Yesterday, Doug made a long overdue trip to D.I.  We had been piling stuff up for way too long and there were things in there that needed to be passed on to someone else but I had so many issues doing so.  The silly sentimental nature of that one shirt that you wore to that one thing where you had a great time.  However, the cut isn't quite how you like it so you don't wear it...but you might wear it one day.  It somehow is able to get out of being tossed and, before you know it, 5 years have passed and you haven't worn it once.  (Okay, so it was more like 9 years.)  Are you confused by how these topics are related?  Do you think I forgot the point?  I wouldn't put it past me to get lost on a tangent but there is a connection.

I think sometimes we need to make a metaphorical D.I. run with some of our habits and time-consuming activities.  Facebook is by far my worst one and the one I try and try to decrease my time using it but I struggle.  Facebook...ugh!  You fiend!  Why do I feel the need to check you all the time?!  I don't spend large chunks of time there but way too many short stints.  (Ironically, I will be there momentarily in order to post this.)  The best success I have had is to only have particular "Facebook okay" times of day.  That seems to help.  While I was pregnant or nursing and couldn't fast for church, sometimes I would fast from Facebook for the weekend.  It was hard but oh so refreshing to not think about it.

What would you put in your metaphorical D.I. pile?  (Or if you need to commiserate about an item in your actual D.I. pile, feel free.)

No Thing Is Sacred

This morning, LJ kept insisting that we use blocks to build a house for his helicopter.  Every time we would get a wall up, he would knock it down and say, "Oh man...have to start over."  Along with many other experiences using building blocks that have occurred since these pictures were taken years ago, I have learned to not grow too attached to any creation that I make.

It reminded me of a visit we had to Salt Lake in October of 2011.  LJ was just under a year old and we were staying with some friends.  They are grandparents and had a plethora of toys to keep LJ entertained.  I remember Sister McDonough repeatedly saying, "Nothing is sacred.  He can play with whatever he would like."  It caught me a bit off-guard because anyone who has been to the McDonough's home can tell you that it feels like a sacred space.  However, if you split the word to "no thing", it makes sense.  It is not the things in their home, or any home for that matter, that make it sacred.  Sure, some decor can invite the spirit and other decor can chase it away but it is the feelings and love shared with in a family that create that spirit.

It was just a short weekend stay at their home but I frequently still reflect on our time there and wonder the things I can do to bring that spirit to our home.  I am grateful for amazing friends who help me to see the good things and set goals to live a more abundant life.  The McDonough's are currently serving as Mission President in Mississippi and I am sure they are passing on wonderful counsel to the missionaries in their care.

Give Me This Mountain...

Sorry it has been awhile.  We've been having a couple of those "just breathe" weeks!  Since this week looks to be somewhat similar, here is a quick thought.  In the book I'm reading, "Love Life and See Good Days" by Emily Freeman it quotes Joshua 14:11, 12 - "As yet I am as strong...now therefore give me this mountain...the Lord will be with me."  Whether it is a mountain of laundry or a mountain of a to-do list or an emotional mountain, I wish you the ability to see the Lord with you as you climb.