A Quick Thought: Our Song

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" has always held a special place in my heart.  If you can have an "our song" with deity, that is mine.  So many times, that song comes on and I immediately know how much I am loved and, frequently, revelation just starts to flow.  (Hmmm...maybe I should listen to it more often.)  There is a very distinct moment on my mission when it came on.  I vividly remember the way the leaves were blowing around the freeway as we got off on the Hopkins Road exit in Richmond, VA.  That morning, I'd been struggling to know where I should go and what I should do after my mission.  (You may recall that, when I decided to serve, I didn't have family support and I really didn't have a "home."  I hadn't lived where I grew up in over 7 years and would have no reason to go back to where I was living at the time in Rochester, NY.)  I wondered if I was a competent missionary and was doing what the Lord would have me do.  In that moment, listening to that song, I knew it would be ok and the spirit helped me to know that I was exactly where I was supposed to be - it had been foreseen, though not be me.  I was supposed to be in that green Chevy Malibu getting on Hopkins Road to visit Enrique and Suzy.  I had the thought, "Tell me, Lord, how could you have known for so long that I would be here in this place?  One year ago I wouldn't have guessed it and two years ago I knew nothing of the church."  The answer came, "Anne, I know you and I know your heart.  I knew that your heart would lead you to this place because it is where I need you to be.  I knew that you would make the choices that would allow you to become an instrument in my hands."

As we walked into church today, I saw my friend, Trina, and she had a copy of the music for this song in her hand.  With hope in my voice, I asked if she would be singing that song today.  She confirmed that she was.  I told her it was my favorite and I was excited to hear it and went and found my seat.

My boys were particularly cuddly today and were each trying to claim a spot leaning on me.  It felt good.  I felt loved.  We listened to the speakers and then Trina got up to sing.  As the music started, I was brought back to that moment in Virginia when my station in life, my path at the time and my competency in that path, was confirmed.  Lately, my friends, I'll be honest and say that I have really been struggling with feeling competent - at just about anything.  I've been feeling that everything I try seems to fail in one way or another and I've wondered if I am in the right place, if I am doing the right things, how I am blessed with these great little boys and an amazing husband that sometimes I take for granted, am I messing things up and limiting the progress of my kids by decisions I make.  But, sitting there today, listening to that familiar hymn and holding those two amazing boys, the Spirit washed over me.  Again, it let me know that I am exactly where I was supposed to be.  Again, it had been foreseen, though not by me.  Those boys need me as their mom - not any of the other "super mom" friends that I have.  Me.  They need me, my flaws and my awesome strengths to raise them to be what the Lord would have them be.  I am exactly where the Lord needs me right now.  And, oh how I needed that confirmation.

I am grateful for inspired musical numbers (even if she had just sung the same song a few months ago).  I am grateful for having an "Our Song" with the Holy Ghost.  Maybe I really should listen to it more often.

Finding Home

I recently got a new phone number. I've had the same number for about 10 years when I came home from my mission.  I only lived in Arizona for a few months but have held on to the number ever since because it always seem like such a hassle to change it.  However, having NOT lived in Arizona since February 2006, it is also a hassle to have to always emphasize my area code.

I made a facebook comment about my new number and mentioned how I was finally committing to living in Idaho for a significant period of time.  That was in jest but it did remind me of a much more serious conversation I had about the time I left on my mission.  As I made the decision to serve a mission, I wondered where I would go afterward.  I would have no reason to return to Rochester where I was living at the time and no reason to move to Minnesota.  (The Arizona move was somewhat whimsical and was in order to help out a friend going through a difficult time.)  Among the many responses to my decision to serve, my most dear friend, Jolene, told me, "My wish is that you will find a home when you are done."  I wasn't a foster kid jumping from place to place prior to my mission but I really did struggle having the identity of a home.  I have mentioned before that my childhood was a bit unconventional.  After my parents' divorce, we moved A LOT and when we weren't moving, due to "social obligations" of my custodial parent, I frequently did not know where I would be sleeping that night.  I did not have a place that felt like a safe haven for me.

(Quick tangent, Jolene also just mentioned to me a book I am excited to read called "Perfect Daughters" that talks about being a perfectionist in order to make up for a bad home life so that you can "put on a happy face" at school.  I thought I'd mention it here in case anyone else may benefit.)

After I graduated from college, I lived in 5 states in 5 years.  Again, no foundation or constant in my life.

Jolene, like all best friends seem to do, knew me better than I knew myself and knew what would make me happiest.  Immediately after my mission, I was in the middle of that 5 states in 5 years thing.  Then, through a stroke of luck or fate or what-have-you, I met this guy.

I have known exactly where "home" is ever since.  I don't think I could ever be happier than I am when I am with him.

The day after my wedding, I had a bit of a - hmmm...how should I put this - "an exchange of opposite views" (thank you, Google) with my mom.  (I guess I should just call this the "dirty laundry" post...sheesh.)  I choked back the tears and told Doug I needed to use the restroom but would be right back.  I left the restaurant we were at and went to the attached hotel lobby.  My mom came to find me and (eventually) we made amends and started back towards the restaurant.  I will always remember rounding a corner and seeing my new husband waiting next to the door of the ladies restroom.  I still get choked up thinking about how I felt when I saw him there.  I knew that for the rest of forever I had a home and that he would take care of me and keep me safe.

I am so grateful for him and all that he does to hold true to all of those promises.

Maria Escalante's Story

I got a text from a mission companion, Sister Bennion, the other day.  She referenced a memory that instantly made me smile.

My response to her text was, "Awesome!  That made my day after a crazy day in jr primary, (mainly due to my own kid not staying in his seat).  It kindof resembled lessons at Maria Escalante's house."

Maria had been a member referral to us.  She had 5 kids, ages 8, 6, 4, 2 and a couple of months.  Her husband had just been put in jail and once he had served his time he would be deported.  She was in a very rough spot and I had no idea what we could really do to help.  We talked to our Branch President and Relief Society President and, even though the ward was quite poor, they provided an abundance of clothes and food for her and her family.  I was overwhelmed with the sacrifice and generosity of all of these members that were living with their own problems.

Due to all of the temporal help she had received, I was hesitant to push too hard for setting a baptism date.  I didn't want her to say yes just because of all the temporal help she had received from church members.  Besides, with all that her kids were going through, they were a bit unruly at the time.   Having spirit-filled lessons was difficult.  Sister Bennion would attempt to keep the kids controlled while I tried to talk to Maria a bit.  It was a good thing that Sister Bennion was 6 ft tall and had been a water polo player.  Her excellent reach helped keep the kids at least in the house.  (There was one that would bolt out the door and run into the very busy street.)

Frequently, Maria and I would just read a chapter or two in the Book of Mormon.  One day, while the kids were rubbing ketchup into the carpet, she calmly looked at me and asked what she needed to do in order to join our church.  She knew that the book we were reading was true and had noticed a change come upon her house since we had been visiting.  I felt like a bit of a horrible missionary for not having helped her progress until she asked me but told her the process and she was baptized shortly thereafter.

Maria was one of those stories where I didn't recognize the magnitude of the impression we had on each other.  I didn't realize all that I had learned from her and her simple faith.  I left the area where she lived shortly after her baptism.  Having been in that area for 9 months, my memories of that time were occupied with many stories and Maria's, sadly, was pushed to the back of my mind.  I remember seeing Sister Bennion at a Spanish Conference later and she talked a bit about Maria.  I don't remember exactly what she said but it also made me realize that I hadn't known the impact I had on Maria.  I wish I had taken the time to have better closure in my time with her.  However, I will always remember her faith and how just reading the Book of Mormon - no fancy discussions with flashy object lessons but just simple reading - converted her to the gospel, changed her eternity, and the eternities of her children.

This story teaches that maybe, just maybe, sometimes something sinks in during those chaotic lessons at home for FHE or in Primary.  Sometimes it just takes a simple lesson and no flashing lights or 3 hour preparation.

Guest Post: Lending My Son to the Lord

I feel so honored to have had so many amazing guest posts lately!  This one is from Trina over at Tidbits From Trina.  (And you can find her on facebook too!)  I love her amazing ability to find gospel lessons in everyday life.  When we first moved into our current ward, she taught the Sunday School class and I don't think she will know how many lives she blessed through that calling.  Her missionary doors are about to rotate as her son comes home and her daughter goes out.  Gratefully, we get to read some of her thoughts about being a Missionary Mom.  This post has already changed my life.  Pay attention to the part about prayer and it may change yours too.  I also love the extrapolation of Hannah's story.  I got a bit choked up while thinking of Trina's words while looking at the image of Hannah and Samuel.

One of my favorite scripture stories is of Hannah and Samuel.  The faithfulness, gratitude and honesty she showed the Lord by giving her son to him is astounding, especially when you consider the story that brought them to that point.  Imagine the emotions she must have felt when she took her sweet boy, just weaned, to the priest, Eli, to be raised unto the Lord.  Her sacrifice is among some of the greatest.  I've come to really love Hannah over the past two years.  Although the magnitude of our sacrifices is different I've drawn relation and comfort from her experience and her spirit. 

I always knew my son, Kalten, would serve a mission.  From the time he was small it was his chief goal. He never could decide “what he wanted to be when he grew up” as long as he was a missionary first.  When he was in junior high he made two goals.  The first was to serve a mission.   The second was to not kiss a girl to ensure he went on a mission.  I had nineteen years to enjoy him and prepare myself to send him off for two years.  Hannah only had a few years, probably 2-3 before sending him off for the rest of his life. 

I remember the day we dropped him off at the Missionary Training Center.  Many tears were shed and I just kept wanting one more hug.  In case you’re wondering, you can’t get enough hugs to last two years.  It just doesn't work.  I’m sure there were many tears shed by Hannah the day she dropped her son off at his training center (the temple).  When I dropped off my missionary I felt many conflicting emotions.  I was depressed and excited and sad and happy all at the same time.  I've had periods of mourning and depression-feelings I’d never thought I’d experience in regard to sending him on a mission.  I've cried because I miss my boy.  I've longed for the sight of his face, the sound of his voice, even the embarrassment he was so flawless at providing me.  But the greatest, most prevalent feeling I've had because of his missionary service has been pure joy.   It’s in these moments of such joy that it’s all been worth it.

I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that in the scriptural account right after Hannah leaves Samuel with Eli, she sings praises to the Lord.  She too, felt that eternal joy of knowing her child is a servant of the Lord.  Hannah’s psalm is beautiful.  In it she recognizes the power, strength and goodness of the God her son will serve.  1 Samuel 2:1-10 starts with these words, “And Hannah prayed and said, My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord, my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation.”  Hannah uses a term that I love.  “…I have lent him to the Lord.”  You might think this is opposite what we've been taught, that our children are on loan from our Heavenly Father, to us, to raise in righteousness so that they can return to Him.  I agree with that too, in fact both are correct and they don’t contradict but stand together.  I believe Hannah understood very well the concept that we could be together again as families and that this was part of the road that she needed to travel to ensure she could be with her son again.  In a sense, God loaned Samuel to her, she loaned him back to the Lord, and therefore they will both get him in the next life.  What an example of giving all that we have for the Lord’s purposes. 

Because of Hannah’s great sacrifice she received blessings.  One of the obvious is that her son was raised up to be a prophet.  Another is the children she was blessed with-another three sons and two daughters.  I have no doubt that this was one of her favorite blessings.  Hannah had wanted to be a mother more than anything.  Principally, it was her pleading for a child that set this story in motion. 

For This Child I Prayed by Elspeth Young

The blessings we've received have been tremendous.   Hannah’s story is one of them as you can see but there are others, many others.  Let me share a few.

Kalten’s safety  was a huge concern of this worrywart mom.  President Gabrielson shared a scripture with me the night Kalten was set apart as a missionary.  D&C 84:88  And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face.  I will be on your right hand and on your left and my spirit shall be on your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.   – Now that’s a blessing!  For me and my son.

We’ve been blessed financially.  Even though we've had hours and benefits cut we've made it through and no one has starved to death.  In fact, we've been overwhelmed at the generosity by some very sweet “helpers” who've contributed to Kalten’s mission.  One amazing donation from an anonymous person has been overwhelming and such a blessing when we really needed it.  I’ll never forget that.

Kalten has become quite tidy from what I understand.  He loves to clean and he expects a certain level of tidiness from his companions.  He’s asked for cleaning tips even!  Something I never expected from one of my sons!  Moms, tell me you wouldn't love that!

Elder Browning is so much closer to the Lord, it’s evident in the emails he sends as well as the calls we get from people in Ohio who come in contact with him and want to just tell us what an awesome son we have.  What rewarding calls and what a reward for this mom to know that her son has a personal relationship with God.  Mosiah 5:13 says, “For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?”  Serving a mission has truly helped him to get to know the Lord.  He is about the Lord’s business.  It’s been his only focus for almost two years.  He depends on the Lord for, well, everything.  He knows the Lord!

He LOVES to learn and study.  He often tells us a new way he’s studying.  Most recently he’s copying down the Book of Mormon, word for word and writing down his thoughts and related scriptures as he does.  He has developed a great work ethic and wonderful habits that he’ll carry into the next chapters of his life. 

We are so much better at FHE.  We aren't perfect but we do better than we ever have before.  It’s easier than it used to be.  And we have more lessons instead of just family activities.  There’s a greater balance and our family is better for it.

Our girls are also developing better relationships with God.  They are each so much more focused on Him and what he wants.  Two of them have decided to also serve missions and our third daughter is considering it.  Whatever is decided, each of our girls is developing into wonderful young daughters of God which thrills this mom.

I feel like a successful mom.  This is a real blessing for me.  I went through a frustrating time where I felt I haven’t been what I should be as a mom.  I’m realizing that I've done a great job.  The Lord has helped me feel peace that I didn’t have until Kalten was into his mission.  Peace of mind is a godsend.

Each contact is a blessing.  I feel so blessed to have access to technology that keeps us in touch.  It’s a rule that each missionary writes home.  Kalten has not only been great at this but perfect.  A few times I didn't receive anything then later found it in my spam folder.  I LOVE to live in a time when communication like this is possible.  I feel for those who served 100 years ago, who’d go months or even years without hearing from their loved ones.  Hannah saw her son one time each year when she and her family went to the temple to make their sacrifice.  We've had the privilege of 5 calls from our missionary.  The first was the day he flew from the MTC to Ohio.  We also received calls on Christmas and Mother’s Day each year.  Each of these is truly a blessing from the Lord!

Lessons learned aren't only for the missionary.  For instance, I learned something from these calls.  I've thought about how much I love my boy, how bad I want to hear his voice, his thoughts, what’s happening etc.  I realized it’s much the way our Father must feel about us.  I've become much more aware of my prayers.  He too, looks forward to hearing from us.  When I’m half asleep and falling into bed, I try to remember how much I want to hear from my son and realize my Heavenly Father loves me even more than that and wants to hear from me too.  The lessons I've learned and the insights I've gained are invaluable.

Each of these blessings has brought joy.  I don’t know a better way to say it.  I’m happy, content, elated, satisfied, at peace, hopeful, and the list goes on.  I had a taste of these feelings before I “lent my son to the Lord”, and they grow more dominant each day.  I am grateful to a Heavenly Father and his perfect son who are not just willing but desirous to grant us blessings and peace and joy.  I’m also grateful for a son that has given all for two years to honor them.  Oh how blessed I am.   “My heart rejoiceth in the Lord...I rejoice in thy salvation!”

The Restoration Movie

Tonight, we watched "The Restoration" for FHE.  There are so many things I love about that movie.  I may even venture to say that it is my favorite movie.  (For contrast, the second place movie is "What's Up Doc?") Granted, the story of the First Vision always brings the Spirit but many of the reasons it is my favorite don't have much to do with story itself.

1.  It takes place in Palmyra.  I loved my time in Rochester and tonight I even whispered to Doug, "Sure you don't want to move there?"  (Then I considered how hard I've heard the NY pharmacy law board exam is and I changed my mind.)  Still, it is a beautiful part of the country and I have many fond memories of the area.  I frequently found solace in the forests and hills and gorges of the area.

2.  They were filming the movie right when I first moved to the area.  Therefore, there are a few familiar faces in the film.  (More on that later.)

3.  The film was released to DVD while I was on my mission and we were able to use it as a great missionary tool.  So, not only does it bring back great memories of being in Rochester and my time when I was just starting to grow my testimony, but also of my mission and all the testimony changes that occurred there.  I have so many memories of how I felt while watching the film with investigators.

4.  I love the little side-story of the Dad carving the little horse for his son.  I love that they tie it in with the scriptures to help us realize exactly what I stated in #4 - that Heavenly Father is aware of us and wants the best for us.  He will carve out the treasures of our lives.

5.  The first time I was watching it on my mission was during a bit of a difficult time.  I was struggling with feelings of frustration and inadequacy in sharing the gospel with my parents.  And I felt somewhat alone on my mission since I did not receive much support from them.  They did try by sending packages once and a while but didn't understand the concepts of weekly emails or letters.  Near the end of the film, (during the scene when they are passing the sacrament), my friend, Brother Molinari, is in the background.  You may recall that Brother Molinari was very influential in my decision to serve a mission.  He too left under similar circumstances in regards to family support and seeing just a glimpse of him in the film gave me a reassurance that Heavenly Father was fully aware of my trials and concerns and that He would provide supports and anchors for me.

I am grateful for such films and their ability to touch our minds and our hearts with the Spirit.  I am grateful for Joseph Smith and all that he endured to bring about the Restoration of the Gospel.  And I am grateful for a Master Architect at work to bring about the salvation of man.

However Long & Hard the Road

I am currently stuck in a trying situation.  I will avoid going into detail here but it is heartbreaking and frustrating.  On Thursday, it seemed there was going to be a door to open that would lead to an almost ideal situation and that door was not opened.  I cried harder than I have in a really long time when I heard the news.  It wasn't until then that I realized just how much I was hoping for a change.  After overcoming the initial disappointment, I was extremely frustrated.  I feel that my reasons to desire a change are very righteous ones and do not understand why the change would be delayed when it seems it is very easily something that could happen.

Last night, and again while driving to work today, I kept remembering two conversations I had with my mission president.  It was a similar situation.  I was in a difficult spot and felt that certainly, with all that was going on, that transfers would lead to a change for me.  They did not.  I was disappointed and frustrated.  In those instances, President Kirk told me, "Sister G, your day in the sun is coming...I know that this is a difficult situation for you but the Lord needs you here right now.  You have characteristics and attributes that those around you need to gain."

As those words continued to run through my mind, the answer was confirmed as the spirit whispered, "Anne, I love you and I believe in you.  I know you are frustrated and it doesn't seem to make sense to you that the change did not occur.  Please know that there is a reason.  I need you to remain in your current situation - not for you but for those around you.  You can be a force for good in their lives.  Will you please sacrifice your plan a bit longer so that I can use you for that purpose?  Your day in the sun is coming."

Well, that makes it a lot easier to continue on with the current situation.  (However, it still isn't "easy".)  The title of this post comes from a talk that is in my "Top 5 Talks that Continue to Change My Life" list.  It can be found here.  Just click it and turn it on in the background if you don't have time to give it your full attention.  I love it and used to listen to it once a month.  I may have to start doing that again to help as we continue on this current path.

The First Prayer of "El Flaco"

Teaching children how to pray was one of my favorite parts of my mission.  The innocence of little voices as they pray to their Heavenly Father is unmatched.  (I'm grateful for my current calling in Primary so I'm able to get extra doses each Sunday.)  That being said, one of my favorite experiences with prayer during my mission occurred with Tiberio, who went by the nickname "El Flaco".

The first time we met Tiberio, he was, (how should I put this), "less-than-sober".  My companion and I were out knocking doors in his apartment complex and he called us over.  Frequently, talking to less-than-sober guys while tracting led to things like googly eyes and marriage proposals once they realized we were  American and spoke Spanish.  Tiberio, on the other hand, was quite respectful.  We spoke to him briefly about the church and invited him to our English classes that we were teaching.  (We later learned that he never had another drink after he met us that day because of how he felt when we taught him.)

He was a star-student in English class.  He already knew quite a bit of English, albeit most of it was lyrics of songs by the Rolling Stones and Led Zepplin.  We also started to visit him, along with his roommates, to teach them the gospel.  We frequently brought a ward member with us who was known as "La Abuelita" (Little Grandma) of the ward.  The guys were sad if we ended up bringing someone else because they just loved this little old lady.  It was really interesting for this rough group of 20-something guys to not only treat us with the utmost respect but also to have such an affinity for La Abuelita.  We taught them for a couple of months but Tiberio never was willing to pray.  When we first met, he had long hair and a very long beard.  He would jokingly say that he looked a lot like "that guy", (referring to Osama Bin Laden).  He would explain that he hadn't done anything as bad as that but that he had done some things that made him unworthy to pray.  I felt we were constantly reading 2 Nephi 32:8 with him, which states, "And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing.  For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray."  It was heart-wrenching watching him be filled with a guilt that was keeping him from freely feeling the love of the Lord for him.  I remember crying and pleading with the Lord to know the ways in which we could help him realize his worthiness to pray was determined by the fact that he was a child of God.

One night we arrived at our apartment after a very long day.  We had a couple of messages on our machine. I will never forget how I felt as Tiberio's voice came over the machine and said (in Spanish), "Hermanas, I prayed.  I prayed and I felt joy.  I felt peace.  I felt love.  It was awesome."

There is a song called, "A Call I Hear" by Peter Breinholt that includes a story of teaching a man to pray.  To this day, every time I hear that song, I think of Tiberio...and then tears well-up in my eyes.  Like the majority of people I met on my mission, Tiberio was pretty transient in regards to his living situation.  When he came to say goodbye at the end of my mission, he only could give me a friend's phone number as a way to contact him.  I still have that number in my phone as "Tiberio's Friend" even though it will not connect me with my friend.  Even the all-powerful Facebook has not been able to connect us.  I hope and pray that Tiberio is safe and sound and still feels he is worthy to pray.

The Lord Loves You...

The majority of Priesthood Blessings that I have received, start with, "Anne, the Lord loves you..."  Recently, I was present when someone else received a blessing and the same phrase was used.  "The Lord loves you."  Part of me wondered if that is kind of a lead-in that the one giving the blessing uses as they wait for the real inspiration to start flowing.  It just intrigued me that it was usually the first thing stated.  As I pondered it, though, it became obvious to me that if the Lord were able to sit us down and talk to us one-on-one, that is probably one of the first things He would say to us.  That would probably be even more true if we are in need of a blessing.  I know that when my boys are hurt or sad, one of the first things I do is tell them I love them - either with words or with actions.  I am absolutely certain that the Lord desires to do the same for us and that is why, so frequently, blessings begin with the phrase, "The Lord loves you."  I hope that you know that He loves you individually.  If not, pray to know it for yourself.

I promise you that, if you will sincerely pray, He will let you know of His love for you.  I remember a time on my mission, when I doubted the sincerity of my love for the Lord.  I really struggled, wondering if I only did "love Him" because it was the "right answer".  I prayed and fasted and studied diligently to gain a greater understanding of what love was.  (My study spots were 1 John 4 and 2 John.)  As I did so, I was enlightened with knowledge of how much the Lord loved me.  Me, with all my flaws and incapacities.  Me, who was unsure if I even loved Him back.  No matter, He loved me...and more than I could ever imagine.  In 1 John 4:19, it states, "We love him, because he first loved us."  As I read those words, with my new understanding of what it meant to be loved by Him, I was filled with sincere love for the Lord.  I realized and recognized that we were on the same page.  It was a struggle to gain that understanding and that testimony of not only the Lord's love for me but my love for the Lord but, like many things that are a struggle, it was worth the effort. The knowledge that beings as powerful and wonderful as Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have a love for me and a desire to bless my life is remarkably comforting during the struggles of day to day life.

Receiving a Call to Serve

I knew about the time the letter would be on its way so I decided to distract myself a bit and went on a little road trip with my friend, Carrie. I called my roommate on Saturday as we were leaving Boston to find out if I had reason to be anxious to get home and she said that the call had arrived on Friday. I decided that Sister Larsen was instrumental in me further considering a mission, that it would be nice if she was there for me to open it. I drove to their apartment and opened the letter there. It was quite exciting but at the same time somewhat surreal.

I remember feeling that weight come upon my shoulders when I read "You are hereby called to serve as a missionary..." and thinking of what all it meant to know that I would be representing the Savior for the next 18 months. I remember reading, "labor in the Virginia, Richmond mission" and wondering what all that would mean to me. I remember reading the second time through and seeing that I would be speaking Spanish and thinking "Oh jeez...all I remember is 'Vamos a la playa!'"

My parents were both pretty indifferent to it all. My mom seemed to be a bit more excited when she was able to sense the excitement in my voice. She said she hadn’t heard me sound that excited or passionate about something in a long, long time. My dad is grateful that he has an idea of what will be happening and when.

When I called Drake to tell him about my call, he sounded exhausted. He informed me that Sue had gone into labor the night before. The twins were born 3 months early. They were stable but were going to have quite a hospital stay before being able to come home.

I felt as though I was facing a lot of opposition at this time. My friend, Kim, recommended the talk Cast Not Away Therefore Thy Confidence by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland given at BYU on March 2, 1999. This statement helped me a lot through this time, (and many times since), “with any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it.” (The entire talk is amazing, so please take a few minutes to read it. You can also find it on BYUtv if that floats your boat.) As I moved forward I felt the doors being opened for me in regards to my parents as well as figuring out the logistics of where to put my belongings, etc.

The weeks between receiving my call and going into the MTC were a bit hectic.

I flew to SLC on Feb. 9 to visit with friends and then go to St. George on the 13th to go to the temple. It was wonderful to see great friends during my time at the temple. My friend Kim came with as well as Annie, a missionary I knew in Rochester and also Spencer, who was one of the missionaries that taught me while I was in Chicago. I flew out from Vegas on the 18th. I went to Minnesota for about a week before going back to Rochester Feb. 27. After those adventures, I had about a week in Rochester to get everything organized before I left.

I was set apart on Sunday, March 7th by President VanDenBergh. (Interestingly, President VanDenBergh’s father was the Stake Patriarch who gave me my Patriarchal Blessing.) Those that attended, (as well as I can remember), were my friend, Kristina, Brother Molinari, President Dougherty and the two Sister Missionaries that were serving in the ward at the time, Sister McDonald and Sister DePriest. Kristina took notes one what was said. (Unfortunately, I have no idea where that sheet of paper is.)

I flew to Salt Lake March 8th. Drake and his daughter, Summer picked me up at the airport. Summer was going to act as my “companion” until I got to the MTC. We went up to Logan for 2 days. One of the twins had just come home from the hospital and the other would be home within a couple of days.

Wednesday, March 10th, Drake and Summer drove me down to Provo to enter the MTC. I got checked in and am nametag (with the little orange dot included). Then, we were ushered into a little room where we watched a video about missionary service. We then sang “Called to Serve” before giving hugs and saying our goodbyes. I was very excited to start learning and to get to know the other missionaries in my district.

Financing a Mission: A Selfless Family

I would be remiss if I did not give a bit of a back-story at this point of my mission story.  When I was confirmed, (which I guess I should also write about at some point as well), Lars' friend, Drake, performed the ordinance.  Some time prior to that time, Drake's teenage daughter, Courtney, passed away unexpectedly.  I still remember Drake and his family talking about seeing her again and I felt that they knew it, they didn't just hope it or think it would be nice.  That night, I learned the reality of eternal families and how it can provide such perspective and comfort in this life.  After the loss of Courtney, Sue knew they would have more children.  However, Sue was in her mid-40's at the time and so it was a somewhat risky situation.

Later that summer, Drake and his wife, Sue, and their 2 other daughters, all came out to Rochester to attend the Hill Cumorah Pageant.  I got to know them better during that time.  When I called them about a year and a half later to tell them that I had decided to serve a mission, Drake immediately offered to pay for my mission.  (For those unfamiliar, that is not a small offer but an extremely generous one.)  Drake also informed me that they were pregnant.  With twins.  The twins were due the same day that their daughter had passed away.  (Definitely some divine intervention involved there.)

I would not have been able to serve a mission if it were not for their selflessness and willingness to help.  Their gift is beyond recompense; it is impossible to repay them for all of the experiences I had and all the changes that occurred in my life because of my mission.

Telling My Family & Friends About My Mission Decision

Some of this is also covered in this article.  Also, let me preface this by saying that now, almost 10 years later, my parents and grandma are at least accepting of me being a member of the church.

Telling my family about my decision to serve a mission for the LDS church was one of the most difficult things I had ever done.  Growing up, I was always seeking their approval.  I didn't want to disappoint them or hurt their feelings.  I knew that my mom, and especially my maternal grandmother would be very unhappy with this decision.  I decided it would be best to tell them in person while I was at home in October of 2003.

I remember having constant inner debates trying to determine the best timing.  Finally, I decided I just needed to get it over with and talk to them.  I sat down with my mom in the living room.  (I don't remember my grandmother being there at that point but she was there within a day.)  It seemed to go over pretty well.  She wasn't over-the-moon with the idea but she didn't have anything bad to say.  I thought to myself, "Well, Grenzie, what were you so worried about?  That wasn't such a big deal."

By the next morning, her feelings had changed a bit.  (I think she had talked to Grandma.)  She utilized the mom-trick of having me come with her to the store.  While trapped in the car, she was able to tell me how she felt, which included the idea that I was, "sick and brainwashed" and that I had "lost any intelligence I once had."  It hurt.  A lot.

I told my dad later that day at dinner.  Thankfully, he was more understanding.  His opinion was, "Well, I don't know much about that church but I feel that now is the perfect time in your life to serve others and to take time to learn what you want to do for a living and where your priorities lie."  He promised to try to help calm my mom down a bit.

When Grandma arrived, she took my hands in hers and, with tears in her eyes said, "I want you to know that if you do this, you will break my heart."  She also wrote me a 5 page letter letting me know that her heart was broken and the only way it would be mended would be if I "returned to my roots in the Lutheran church."  It was very frustrating to me because in that letter, she stated things that demonstrated to me that she had many misunderstandings about the church but, at the same time, she would not even listen to me long enough to let me explain them to her.

I felt completely and totally alone during that trip.  Not having ever attended the LDS branch in my little hometown, I didn't even know anyone I could reach out to for support.  I went out to my dad's cabin on Lake Pokegama.  No one else was there and I just knelt down in the woods near the lake and pleaded with Heavenly Father to let me know that there was someone, somewhere that was on my side and that I was doing the right thing and this wasn't going to cause a permanent rift in my family.  I felt strengthened by the Spirit and knew that I could find strength in knowing that my grandfather, who had passed away in 1996, would help to soften my grandmother's heart.

My best friend from high school, Melissa, did not use the term "brainwashed" but did tell me she was concerned that I was not thinking clearly and that someone else was making decisions for me.  My response to her really encompasses my feelings at the time.

As for me choosing my own path, I think I'm doing that more at this time than I have at any other time in my life.  Ever since I was 10 years old, my grandmother has been calling me "Dr. Anne" (and still is pushing me in that direction).  Also, it turned out that I was good at math and science so I was really pushed in that direction whether or not I had a passion for it.  And at that stage, I may have had a passion for it but now I am sure I do not.  Over the past months, I would just sit in my class and think about how much I hated it and didn't want to do it anymore.  I would wish that something extreme would happen just so I would have an EXCUSE to quit at that stage, I realized that I didn't need an excuse but the fact that I was having those feelings was REASON enough to withdraw from my program.

For a long time in early 2003, I wanted to serve a mission so that I would have an excuse to quit but I never got a confirmation from the spirit that I needed to serve a mission.  Obviously, I did get a confirmation but it came later.  It came at a time when I had already decided on what I was going to do about school.  I think that is something that a few people don't understand.  I did NOT quit school in order to serve a mission.

And as far as my church choosing my path, that hasn't occurred either...there has been no persuasion or pressure whatsoever.  In fact, I'm kind of going against the grain since I am older (usually sisters go when they are 21) and also was in a very good academic program.  Mel, please know that everything from deciding to join this church to my decision to serve a mission truly has been only between me and the Lord.  My foundation has not been Lars or the missionaries that taught me or anyone else.  My foundation has been my own, personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  I made both decisions after I had said a sincere prayer and had the Holy Spirit let me know what it was that I was to do.

A lot of people that I have come across have stated something about me "turning Mormon".  I really don't like the term "turning" because it gives the image of rejecting something else in order to be a member of this church.  I guess I would prefer "become" as opposed to "turn" since I feel I just added a deeper understanding of the gospel truths I had experienced in my life.  I would not have made the decision to join this church, (or serve a mission for that matter), unless it was something I truly felt in my heart and soul.  I would not have caused such tension within my family and friendship circles if it weren't something I knew in my heart that I had to do because otherwise I would betray our Heavenly Father.  If I were brainwashed, trust me - the hurtful things my grandmother has said would have been able to make me change my mind but I cannot go against what I know in my heart to be true.  Melissa, I may have said this before, but as I was learning about the principles taught in this church it was like I was learning something I already knew - it was just a review session.  Some of that was because it is the same as what was taught in the Lutheran doctrine and some of it was just an expansion of that.

I wish I could express how much my testimony of this church and of Jesus Christ as our Savior and Redeemer means to me and how it has evolved in the past couple of years and how much happiness and perspective it has brought me.  I refrain from doing so at this time for two reasons - one, it is so difficult to put into words much less to not be able to say it in person and two, I'm not sure if your heart would be open to what I have to say.  There are a TON of misconceptions about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints which I'm sure you have heard or read about but please know that these are in fact just that - misconceptions.  Have faith in ME – you know how much I analyze everything.  I did the same when first learning about this church.  I looked at all kinds of websites - everything from the church's official site to those of some very severe anti-Mormons.  In doing so, I became aware of a lot of the misconceptions and how so many can take a little bit of truth, add a bunch of exaggeration and turn something pure and good into something that seems awkward and different.  My grandmother is listening to a couple of books right now that are written by people who do just that and I said to her, "Grandma, if you wanted to learn about Catholicism, would you read a book written by a Rabbi, one written by an ex-Catholic or, would you prefer one written by an active Priest?"  (I think she got my point.)  I guess what I'm trying to say is this - if you have questions or if you hear things that concern you, please come to me and ask me about it.  I will give you an honest answer and, (as much as I want you to understand everything), I won't push any information on to you that you do not ask for.  I used to love our talks about the gospel and I miss them terribly.  I don't understand why we can't continue with them even now.

I realize that you may not understand all this and that you are still very concerned about me serving a mission.  Please know that the love, concern and prayers are greatly, greatly appreciated by me but please don't worry about my heart being in the right place.  I have, in fact, found exactly where I am supposed to be right now and what I need to do with my time.  I know this with all my heart.

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Looking back now, I realize the importance of the adversity I faced at this time.  It really forced me to stand on my own two feet of my testimony and do some self reflection in determining if what I felt was of God or if it was just a whimsical decision.  It helped me to gain a conviction and strength that I may not have obtained otherwise.

My Mission Decision

My decision to serve was interesting, to say the least. At the time, I was enrolled in a PhD program at the University of Rochester. I was not enjoying my program and was looking for a way to get out of it. As soon as I became close to my year-mark as a member of the church, I started considering a mission and praying if I could go and have that be my exit strategy from school. However, I never felt it was the right thing to do. About 6 months later, in an email to a friend, Elder Morrill, (who gave me my first Book of Mormon), I said, " I'm seriously thinking of leaving [school] soon. I just don't feel like I'm making enough of a contribution to the world by being in school right now. I'm thinking of trying to find a job doing work for a non-profit environmental organization. Who knows where that would take me!? I really don't have too much of a preference as to where I live."

About a month later, I sent the following email to my Institute instructor, Brother Molinari. He had always been quite an influence in my life and I frequently went to him for advice.

I am yet again at a stage where I need to utilize your excellent advice-giving skills. I guess it is a bit of the same old - same old of what I was struggling with before.  

First, a brief background - About a month ago, I almost quit school in order to find a job. School just wasn't what I wanted to do anymore. Even though I was still thinking of hanging around until the end of the year and getting a Master's Degree, I applied for a few jobs but they didn't turn out. Then, classes started and I realized that I really liked what I was doing and that as soon as I got some direction in my research, all would be great. Well, that direction is now finding its way into place and I've been thinking that I could easily hang in there and get my Ph.D.  Then, Tuesday I was giving Sr. Larsen a ride from her area in Penn Yan up here to pick up a new Sister and she was asking me about why I always feel awkward when the Sisters call me "Sister Anne".  She said that since I don't seem comfortable with the idea of not going on a mission, maybe I need to think about it a bit more. So. Tuesday night I prayed that I would be shown within the next few days what it is that I should do - and then I kind of forgot about it. Sure enough. yesterday I was reading a paper for school and all of a sudden it seemed that there was nothing greater in the world for me to do than to go on a mission. I emailed Kristina to ask if there was an upper age limit for females and she wrote back to tell me that there wasn't and kind of reiterated what Sr. Larsen said about needing to try the other direction. Here are her exact words, "If it keeps coming back then you're not a peace with your decision - so choose the other and start preparing - if it isn't right, you'll feel it and it's not like once you decide you leave. It takes a while. Ya know?" Following is my response which expands a bit on my thoughts about it. "Ugh...I don't know. I just can't imagine anything else that I could do that would be better time spent at this stage of my life - you know? Just so I have the information...what is the way to get the ball rolling? Talk to Pres. D.? 'It seems like I had to wait for this realization until after I had decided I wanted to stay in school - you know...so it wasn't an 'excuse' to quit but that it was something I truly wanted to do. 'I don't really see myself being able to do it - to be that brave - but I would LIKE to be able to and that's what being set apart is all about!  Plus.getting to study the scriptures for as much time as they do - could you get much greater time spent?! At the same time, I know that there will be difficult times but I'm one of those people who strives for obstacles to work my way through.  Also, I think if I decided to do this that it would be a further testimony to my family of how important this church is to me and maybe, just maybe they would take some more interest in it. However, I doubt they would offer much financial support, etc. although I'm sure they would be proud of the idea of the fact that I wanted to serve people in such a capacity. I had forgotten that I once had a dream about getting HOME from a mission and my family welcoming me and being so excited about all that I had done! 'BUT...it would definitely be the end of my grad. school career (which I was just getting used to the idea of finishing) since I wouldn't be able to take a break that long after I did my master's and expect for the research still to be there (it would be done by some other lab somewhere). However, a master's isn't all that bad as for advanced education. Odd that after all my struggles about quitting school I NOW realize that a I don't really need a Ph.D. and I am fine with that - just another reason for me to have to deal with that struggle before getting a good feeling about going on a mission.

'Oye. but getting the papers and all that is a HUGE step. It is scary. Plus.when I came back I would have NOTHING. I would have an absolutely gigantic pile of loans, no job and no entry-level experience even though I had been out of school for quite some time. Of course, I have faith that everything would somehow work itself out but still - it is quite scary."

I know that I am the one who needs to figure out whether or not I am supposed to go. So.I don't really know why I'm sending you this. I guess so that you can reinforce the fact that as illogical as it is, if I feel I need to go then I must do it despite the irrationality of the situation.

He responded by saying, "Dearest Anne:  It sounds to me like you have already decided what to do. Perhaps some details need to be worked out, but it sounds like the direction is set. I do not think you would think that once the decision is made it will be smooth sailing afterwards. Be prepared for a few bumps and challenges.  These will not mean it is not the correct thing to do. "There must needs be opposition in all things."  There are many positive reasons for serving a mission. Most of these could be presented from two perspectives. I think they can be summed up as this: it will change your life and will provide the opportunity to change other's lives, neither of which will ever be the same.  A mission and its preparation are a lot of hard work, but then most things that are worth it are not easy. Or is it just that they mean more to us when the cost has been higher?  My suggestions: Don't drop out of school immediately. If you can meet requirements for a Master's degree before you depart (to work for The Master), do so. You will have plenty of opportunities to work or continue school or marry or whatever when you return. You will be a different person then, with different desires and priorities. You know that the Lord takes care of His own.  I agree with and like your observation about timing and desire to quit school. I think it is very good that at this point in time, mission is not an escape route.  You are a wise and insightful person. A mission will enhance both of these attributes while increasing your ability to love - unconditionally.  Once you have committed to the decision, I believe you will feel differently. Perhaps you do already.  Let me know when your farewell address will be given. I love hearing you speak in church. You do such a great job.  Thank you for thinking of me and asking for my input. I am flattered and always willing to add my $.02.  I will include you in my prayers."

Earlier that morning, I had emailed my friend Kristina and said, "Is there any way that choosing to go on a mission could be wrong? It just doesn't seem like it to me...Maybe I should head over to the Sacred Grove.   Is there any good "help with decision making" scriptures that you know?" She responded with the following, "choosing a mission is never wrong, however, I do believe the Lord will let you know if he has other plans for you. But at the same time, when it comes to missions and women, I think the Lord says - If ye desire to serve me, then you are called to the work. It's in the D&C somewhere. It's all about your desire. If it is truly what you want to do, then you have to put your faith and trust in him to manage the rest of the details of life -
school, work, marriage, etc. It seems to me you have your answer, it just may seem "impossible", else you wouldn't keep coming back to the question.  That's how I was. As soon as I'd decided not to go, it came back a few weeks later. Remember that you aren't going to get a straight "yes" or "no". I just don't think He does that normally. Do what your heart most desires and then he will bless you for that desire. The Spirit will guide you to know the proper timing of things. Help with decision making? D&C - anything in the D&C - open it up and read.  The entire book are answers to Joseph's prayers, thus how better to know how to get answers and make choices.  Be at peace. Why do you keep searching for something? You weren't happy
this summer, you thought you were happy for a few weeks since school started, so why do you keep looking??? What are you seeking? The mission?"

I went to the Sacred Grove that day and sat next to my favorite tree.  (It was fall in Upstate, NY so it was beautiful...the picture really doesn't do it justice in the least.)  

In an email to my friend Kim, I said of my experience, "I want to put in my papers right now.  I want to go NOW...like today now! I went to the grove this morning for some clarification and got it.  I read the  having desire calls you to the work' thing in D&C 4. Also, I went to D&C 7:7-9 (you know...the stupor of thought thing) and it was kind of the opposite for me. I couldn't have a stupor of thought or forget about 'the thing that is wrong' because IT ISN'T WRONG...it is right! The first 2 verses of section 88 were speaking to me pretty strongly as well.  Also...the feeling is almost exactly like when I had decided to be baptized. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but was something I needed to do."

Kim responded with, "I think you would be a fabulous missionary, and of course there's nothing greater you could do with your time, and the Lord's timing is often mysterious, so maybe now is the right time... like you said, only you can decide what your feelings are telling you. It sounds like the Lord has been guiding you along to want to serve for the right reasons (i.e. not to escape), so . . . sounds promising. :)  As far as the logistics--it sounds irrational to anyone w/o faith, but i wouldn't even consider that as part of your decision-making process. secular work is irrelevant to the Lord's work, and when you put Him first, He helps you take care of both!"

On my way home from the Sacred Grove, I had met my friend Carrie for lunch.  I distinctly remember sitting across from her and telling her my experience and my struggles.  I remember her telling me that she felt the spirit with force as I said, "I want to serve a mission."  That really helped me to open up even more to the idea.

The next morning, I emailed my Branch President and said, "Pres. D., I made an appt. to meet with you on Sunday but I just can't wait that long!  I want to serve a mission. I NEED to serve a mission!  I am going to serve a mission.  What all do I need to do in order to do that? Is there anyway I could get the papers before Sunday?  Don't worry...I'm planning to finish up my Master's degree before I leave.  Sorry not to tell you in person - I just couldn't wait ANY LONGER!!!"

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In retrospect, it is amazing the ways in which the promises were fulfilled that all would be taken care of when I got home.  Sitting here today in my office, listening to the Primary hymns coming from LJ's room while he and The Lion nap, I just am baffled that I have this life.  I would have never imagined this much of heaven on earth for me.

I will save the stories of telling my parents, (which was my next obstacle), and receiving my mission call for another post.